When you take the estrogen out of a woman’s body there are many side effects. One of those is the inability to sleep. I have been struggling with sleep for the past 5 months. I could break it all down for you and list each reason, or I could just say I haven’t slept well due to my life. There that about covers it.

A new reason popped into my life last Friday night. I am taking a new medicine and during the initial course they must double the dose for the first few treatments so as to fool your liver. Friday afternoon I received my second round of the medication. The plan seemed to be on course until I feel asleep Friday night.

I had only been asleep a few minutes when I woke to horrible pain in my right leg. Every muscle from hip to foot was seized. Nothing, and I repeat nothing short of amputation appeared to help. It was at this moment that I fully regreted purchasing the ticking clock in my bedroom. Although it fits in well with the design of the room, it only served to remind me of every second I was in pain and unable to sleep.

There are many many many other reasons sleep escapes me…sadness creeps in at night, sadness for the kids and what they face each day. Weariness for me as I try to fight the cancer and it’s effects, be both mom and as much of a dad as I can, especially for my son who lost his buddy. Be some sort of balance to Emily who’s world shifted and therefore her attitude and vocabulary shifted.

All that to say “I NEED TO SLEEP”. So if you will excuse me, I am going to take off my wig, slip my sleep cap back on, warm up the microwaveable heart I bought at Hallmark last Valentine’s day (which by the way is very cute and functional), and try to find another hour of sleep.

Good day everyone.

It was really windy last night. If you live anywhere north, south, east, or west of Seattle then you know what I mean. Do you have a wind story from last night? And if you live south of Seattle, you may even have an earthquake story as well.

Here is my wind story…I slept. Now wait a minute, it is so a story. It’s a story because I am usually scared to death of wind. Wind has a mind of it’s own…kinda. So as it was the first windstorm I had to go through “alone”, I had to somehow make friends with the wind in order to relax.

So what is good about the wind…well, it dries things out if they need drying, it scatters all sorts of seeds to bloom in the spring…it proliferates forests.

pro·lif·er·ate   /prəˈlɪfəˌreɪt/ [pruh-lif-uh-reyt]

–verb (used without object), verb (used with object), -at·ed, -at·ing.

1. to grow or produce by multiplication of parts, as in budding or cell division, or by procreation.
2. to increase in number or spread rapidly and often excessively.

Homeschoolers, please use proliferate in a sentence. then you can go ask your mom what procreation means.

The other reason wind is good, is that it’s a good reminder that we really don’t have any control…that what happens on a day to day basis is not really up to us…if you really think about it…could you have stopped the wind last night? If you just answered “yes” to that question, please contact your local meteorologist so they can pass this information on to the world at large in order to stop tornadoes and hurricanes and the like…your knowledge would be greatly appreciated I am sure. If not, like for me, it is a good reminder that our lives are not under our control.

Ok, never mind what I just said…I probably just slept because I hadn’t slept well for the past few nights and I was exhauseted. Even still it would be a good idea to make friends with the one who tells the wind when and where to blow.

So I am not yet sure how I am going to put this blog together so bare with me if possible. It is and has been my goal to face my diagnosis, my circumstances, my life, with a good attitude. In the last 5 or so months, that has become more of a challenge as my treatment and my daily life, and my kids lives have changed a great deal.

Initially, the attitude hill was steep but I could usually “hoof it” to the top and come up with a smile. Lately it’s less of a “hoof” and more of a carabiner, harness, ascender, crampons, belay kind of a climb. “Hoofing” no longer applies unless you would like to hoof someone in the head if they cause your day to be more difficult than it already is. But that is not right so forget I said that. They have no idea how much your life sucks right now! OK, forget I said that too. That was not good. That isn’t going to help anyone.

See, it’s still early yet and I am only about 2/3 of the way up my rock slab of life today. I’ll get there.

So if you are struggling, go slip on your crampons. Crampons, I said crampons…and I will try to help pull you up.

I have developed a sensitive area on my spine. It is near where they did surgery over two years ago. Although I can’t see my back, I can feel a significant bump there.

It has been really hard for me not to think about this…day and night…night and day…

Looking forward to an answer from the Dr. this week.

“Never say never” is often times a great thing to say. It can be a good reminder that there is always hope. But in this case I am talking about the “Never Never Land” where I currently reside. And I call it that because I never never thought I would be in this place. Alone is one aspect…alone with kids is another..alone with kids and battling cancer is a whole different land. But today the land became a bit stranger. This morning my daughter received school behavioral discipline. In all of her years this has never happened.

But the good news is I have decided to call Peter Pan moving company and move out of Never Never Land to Chicken Littleville. They say the sky is falling there, but it really isn’t so there is much less to be concerned about…then I will move to Hansel and Gretel’s place for the holidays and then with a click of my heals I will be home again…this time home will be a better place…I hope…I think it will…baby Jesus will be there then and things are always good when He is there.

I believe that no matter what your circumstances are, there is always something to be thankful for. Find what you are thankful for today and remember those things the rest of the year. Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

When I came across this picture I noticed the arrow pointing to the earth. It was so tiny. And then I thought about me somewhere on that little dot. WOW! Perspective…then I thought about Cindy-Lou Who, which was pretty random, and then I thought about an ant, and finally I thought about how off-track I was getting with my subject.

In the last two weeks I have been experiencing “flares”. Flares happen when you have metastatic breast cancer and you start taking hormone blocker medication. The reason you take this medicine is that most breast cancers feed on estrogen and the goal is to cut off their food supply. Tamoxafin is an example of a hormone blocker. I am not taking tamoxafin, but I am taking Faslodex which is also a hormone blocker. Faslodex is a bit different in that it is an injection that is given in your hip…actually both hips. “It is thick and there is a lot of it” said the nurse who was injecting me last time. I am so glad she shared that very disconcerting information with me while my pants were down.

Flares can be scary. They often cause a great deal of pain. That is what I have been experiencing in the last two weeks. Pains that makes you lie in bed in the dark of night and imagine the worst case scenario. Then as soon as I finished compiling my list of songs I wanted played at my memorial service, the pain was gone. Then two days later it was back…hence the “flare” reference. It actually flares…repeatedly..in the places where there is active cancer. The reason for the flare is the medicine initially acts AS an estrogen and the tumors gobble it up which really makes those cancer cells active. Then the medicine changes into an anti-estrogen and grabs the throat of the cancer cell and chokes it off…we hope…if it’s doing it’s job.

And now I am kinda glad that I ran across this picture this morning. Cancer looks really different now with this new perspective. A pretty powerful picture if you ask me.

Overtaken by back spasms today. The kind where you need medical intervention upon which I am waiting.

See you tomorrow.

Let me just start out by saying that this is not an x-ray of my spine. It looks very painful I must say. However, I did find out two days ago that I do have a fracture in my spine. A compression fracture and it is not pleasant. It has been very very unpleasant actually.

Today I am going to have a MRI done of my spine. This may lead to other treatment. I really wish I could come up with something “witty” to say…but for the most part I am just happy to be able to walk to my kitchen, make some coffee, sit at my computer and write to you. Really, I really am grateful for that.

Where am I? What time is it? Is it Friday still? The last few days have been a total whirlwind…hence the picture above. I think it all started last Monday with some muscle spasms in my back. These were not your typical spasm these were the vicious variety…the kind that bite into your muscle and don’t let go easily. I had a Dr.’s appointment scheduled that day and was hoping to find relief there.

On the contrary…the pain intensified to the point I was ready to walk out in the middle of my treatment. In addition it took over 3 nurses and 12 “pokes” to get an IV started for me.

Later that night the pain was so bad I woke a friend out of bed to request a ride to the Emergency Room. Those kinds of friends are truly more than friends…they are angles.

In the ER they took an x-ray of my spine and noticed a large compression fracture that was most likely the cause of this pain. To quell the pain the Dr. prescribed a few things…First came the Ativan to relax the muscle…just a small-ish dose. Then there was the Dilaudid for pain…then a Valium injection and then to top it off, a small-ish dose of Percocet.

Holy COW!!!!!!! I don’t remember much after that.

When that didn’t help I contacted my favorite, most wonderful Dr. I think I’ve mentioned him…Dr. Lee. This phone call led to steroids and an MRI scan ASAP. After the scan was the appointment with said Dr., a injection in my stomach, a CT scan and a chest x-ray…which lead to another appointment with another Dr. to discuss Vascular Spine things, and the realization that there are 3 areas of concern he felt needed radiation treatment…two ribs and a vertebrae. This lead to an appointment with the Radiological Oncologist on Tuesday…which after the pie tipped over a little in the car brings me to right now.

So with the temporary help of some steroids and pain pills I will push in to next week and see where that takes me.

Maybe tomorrow I will talk about the whole breaking up and then making up with your favorite Dr. Have I mentioned how great he is? I will also be discussing what the house looked like when I got home after 1 night away. Good thing I still have a few Ativan left.

I just wanted to add an extra special thanks to my parents…who normally wear a lot more clothes than this but are and have been amazing in coming to my aid night or day…rain or wind…busy or not…they are there.

Thank you mom and dad for your angelic level of being there for me.

Beauty lies in the true story. I like that. I believe that. The truth is beautiful. I find that a lot of people don’t like the truth. I know I don’t like it when the Dr. tells me the cancer is progressing, or I have to start new unpleasant treatment or my less than great test results came in. It makes life harder…but it also makes life better. When we have truth we can begin to heal. It’s real…it’s what “is”.

I want to live a life that is true. I want to always tell you a truthful story, no matter how many times I am tempted not to. The story has no value without truth.

Sorry I have dropped by again with less humor than normal…but… “I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An Elephant’s word 100%“-Horton the Elephant-

I am back on the road again today. This time I am off to see the Radiological Oncologist about treatment for my spine and two of my ribs.

There are a few issues at hand on this trip. First off, will I have time to stop and get a single tall nonfat gingerbread latte with half the flavor before I hit the road? Second, have these spots been radiated before? If they have, then it is my understanding that they can’t be radiated a second time. Third, if they have not, then would it be best to use standard radiation as opposed to a more targeted version? If that is the case then another appointment is made at another hospital to see another Dr. who does that. Then the Dr. decides how long the treatment will be and off we go.

On the other hand, if these spots have been treated before it looks like Chemo is next on the list. Dr. Lee and I haven’t had a chance to discuss this really…it seems like something else is always coming up.

So another day to be faced and a few more choices to make, So many times I’ve sat and wondered how much longer this will take. Again I will try to focus on the good along the way…and I won’t have time to get my coffee if I don’t get on with it…(sorry I didn’t have time to rhyme the last line.)

Wow! I was just reviewing the Christmas list my kids gave me a few weeks ago. I haven’t really given much thought to mine yet so I sat down with a pen and some paper a few minutes ago and began to think. The odd thing was that none of the things I thought of could be stuck into a box and wrapped. This is already going to be a very different Christmas without “Dad” here to celebrate…and I wouldn’t care a bit if I didn’t get a single gift under the tree this year. This time around it is just going to be good celebrating what we already have… this is a big change from last year but life has changed a great deal since then. My wish list will be almost complete just waking up and being with my kids on Christmas day.

The kids on the other hand, really want me to make cookies…so I gotta go.

It seems that every year I am overwhelmed with the desire to bake a whole bunch of Christmas cookies. It never seems to happen though. I may get a batch or two made but then the time is gone and so are the cookies. Today however, I am going to make Christmas cookies. They may not be perfect or completely homemade…but there will be cookies, lots of cookies, on a plate when my kids get home from school.

I am feeling a bit better today than I have been. I gotta grab on to these days and goooooooooooooooooo get as much done as I can. Dad-gum-it there is going to be some joy in my house whether anyone wants it or not! The kitchen will be clean and the clothes will be folded…I think…and there will be the smell of cookies in the air and everyone will like it. And I am just talking to myself now aren’t I?! Well then so be it. I am off to buy some eggs and things. And when they ask me if I want “paper or plastic” I am going to answer them with “I’ll take Joy” at which time they may send someone to get me dish washing soap, but I won’t care.

Christmas this year looks upside down. There doesn’t seem to be the same level of excitement about much of anything. Nothing about Christmas this year will look the same other than the tree, and even that is difficult as we hang the ornaments that have so many stories behind them. There will only be 2 stockings and that will be weird.

Maybe I’ll just wrap a bunch of empty boxes just for looks…ouch…maybe not.. Well, I am doing my best with cookies and as many smiles as I can give, and again I think of “It’s a Wonderful Life” and how you really don’t know what you got until it isn’t there anymore. That is one awfully big empty box under my tree.

On a happier note, I am going to try and make those cupcakes you see below…just because I think they are cute…and it’s not depressing, and my kids will like them, and I am going to be ok even if everything feels upside down.

Meatloaf. It’s delicious and easy to make and it is one item that both my kids like. “I think I will make meatloaf” I said to myself last night. Little did I know that within 40 minutes of that decision my oven would explode.

I learned a few things through this experience. I learned that if thoroughly cooked, meatloaf is still good after an internal oven explosion. I also learned that no one can usually come out right away to help you diagnose and repair said oven. I learned that it is good to have someone in the room with you when the oven explodes to keep you from freaking out. And I learned that Split Pea and Ham soup from a dear friend can make the exploding oven a positive experience. Here’s to Victory. What was meant to bum me out only brought me goodness.

The desert. Not such a great place. Not much happens there. Often there is no reprieve from the “nothing”.

REPRIEVE: re·prieve   /rɪˈpriv/ [ri-preev] verb, -prieved, -priev·ing, noun any respite or temporary relief. (HS kids…please find a way to reprieve your mom today)

Life may never lead us into an actual desert, but there are often desert times in our lives. A series of nothings when we are waiting for answers…a long dry spell when we are just asking for a small drink…a promise made that seems like it is taking too long to arrive. I know a few people in the dessert right now…Let’s see, I’ll just pick one of them at random…uhhh…Ok, got it! ME.

So what to do when you’re in the desert. Well if I were Bear Grylls I would “P” on my bandanna and wrap it around my head. I don’t think that will help me right now.

I suppose the best thing to do when you are in the desert is to keep walking. C’mon…what else is there to do? The oasis is out there…we just can’t see it yet. And when you finally get there, you can make a sand candle to remember your trip. Ok, so are you ready? Let’s start with our right foot and step…step…step.. I think they call it faith…yup, that’s what they call it…belief in what you can’t see…yet.

I am wondering if I should just apologize up front for the lameness of this blog. I mean it’s true and everything but certainly not my best work…or maybe it will be…so I will just forge ahead.

I think to myself, “I would like a cup of tea.” So I grab the teapot and fill it with water, turn on the burner and set it on the stove. Then I sit and wait. Within a minute or two I’m thinking, “Good grief this is taking a long time.” Next comes, “Maybe the stove isn’t working right.” “I bet that burner isn’t hot enough.” “Holy cow! This is taking entirely too long for me.” “How long am I going to have to sit here and wait?” Then the thought comes, “Who said you had to sit there?” “Well, I guess I did” my inside voice says. “Why?” “Well, I really wanted this, so I thought if I waited right there and focused on it, it would happen faster. I guess I am a little desperate for some tea.” Then the thought said, “It will happen but not any faster than it would if you weren’t sitting there staring at it and getting all snarky about it. Go and do something, and before you know it you’ll hear the whistle and it will be tea time.”

The End