WOW! What an amazing night. I am still gathering pictures and my thoughts to describe last Friday at “The Muse” in Conway, WA. What a great night it was and I am so thankful to everyone who was there and did so much for me. I can’t say thank you enough times to actually express the level of gratitude I feel.

Awwwwwwwwwwww, isn’t he the cutest thing? This was my baby (now he is Ruth’s baby)Forest Jump. I love Forest and I LOVE Ruth! Forest turned 1yr old this past June. He is a beautiful, sweet and friendly boy. Ruth is beautiful, sweet and friendly too, but she didn’t try to jump the fence a few weeks ago. Ruth knew better…Forest did not. I guess Forest just wanted to be happy and something on the other side of the fence looked like happiness to him. It could be that Forest didn’t give much thought to the fence. That maybe the fence might be there for a reason…that possibly the fence was there FOR his happiness, not to prevent it.

So Forest jumped the fence and got a super big owie. Today I am going to go see Forest and hug him and love him and kiss him and then have a little discussion about the fence. Then I am going to hug Ruth and thank her profusley (homeschoolers this is your word for the day) for everything she has done and is doing for Forest and for me and for having a fence in the first place.

Today is best described as a “three pronged day”. Prong #1 is my son the photographer, of whom I am so proud to the point of bursting out in song, is having one of his photos, that was taken during the AHS Homecoming game, published in our local paper. If you happen to live around these parts, you better go get your copy fast as I will be buying whatever copies are left right after I start a load of laundry and finish loading the dishwasher…and pick up the empty pop cans in the family room and taking them to the recycle can in the garage. So in other words…pretty soon.

Prong #2 is an interview with a new oncologist later today.
I must say that no one can compare to Dr. Lee in my eyes and in my heart…but due to the lack of spousal support, it appears that I must move my treatment closer to home. Grrrrr. That is all I have to say about that…well, no it’s not but it is all I will say about that. So, updates on Dr. changes will be forthcoming.

Prong #3 is the choosing and carving of my Halloween pumpkin :) This will help me finish my day with a smile…I hope…tonight I will not be a cancer patient, but a pumpkin carving mom!

Have you ever been so tired that even making a cup of coffee seemed like a gargantuan effort? I am just going to get the homeschoolers word for the day over with in the first sentence. I hope that is ok with everyone. Here are some other words that describe tired…weary, knackered, pooped, bushed, drained, sapped…I think I might need to eat a banana or something.

So with that as the foundation of this conversation let me talk a bit about yesterday. Yesterday I took a shower…you are welcome…and while I was in the shower…no! no! wait! don’t leave…while in the shower I prayed. Albeit too much information, I do a lot of praying in the shower. So much so that a friend suggested that I offer a “shower prayer list ” sign up page. All in favor? I didn’t think so. So that prayer included my appointment with a new Dr. yesterday. I was bound and determined NOT to like him. But yadda yadda yadda I have two scans and a follow up appointment next week. Ok, I understand that only devoted Seinfeld viewers are going to burst into a resounding chuckle at that last line. So for everyone else I will explain.

This new Dr. seemed to want to take me down a new path to healing. Doesn’t that sound wonderful. Well, yes I suppose. But this new path is not without needles and other unpleasant things like brain MRI’s and biopsies and ct scans. But I think I really kinda like him and his newfangled ideas.

So all that being said I will be off to the grocery store and back to my bed for a nap in record time. I may even leave the grocery store part out to achieve the nap part much faster. Yah, that is what I am going to do.

Before my cancer diagnosis I felt I had a pretty normal perspective on things. But things have changed…my perspective has changed…what I value now is so much different than before.

VALUE: To regard or esteem highly. Life is more valuable to me, the people in my life are more valuable to me, relationships are more valuable than ever before.

Now is when I randomly make the dramatic shift to an example of value…

When I look at the people in my life now, they shine and sparkle and I want to spend time with them and I set aside other things just to talk or have coffee or anything. I want to know them more and listen more and pay more attention to their lives. I try not to let life be an excuse for having no time to do these things. I try to say thank you more and I love you more. Wow, now look what you’ve done you darn friends, I need a tissue.

If I had 3 wishes today, one would deffinatley be that I could have arrived at this place sooner…I think it just takes hard times in our lives before we learn what we truly value and to take action in that direction.

I wish there was someone here to hug cuz’ I gotta hug someone. My dog has fleas so he is not an option right now. Hopefully the mail man will show up soon.

You must forgive me today if I am a bit cranky. The fatigue from the radiation just doesn’t seem to be getting better. Then there are all the other things. I think all the light bulbs in my house got together in the middle of the night and decided that it would be funny if they all went out at the same time. Not funny light bulbs, not funny at all! I also believe that all the hair on my dog got together and said “Ok, everyone pair off in groups of 100 and at the count of 3 we will all jump off.” THEN…while cleaning the bathtub, my leg needed to go one way but evidently my foot wasn’t paying attention and my knee is now offically mad at both of them. And today I am scheduled for another CT Scan even though I just had a Pet Ct scan 30 days ago. I guess you could call that doing the “scan scan”…oh that was bad, sorry. No, today’s scan is for next week’s biopsy. And next week’s biopsy is for next month’s treatment. I like to see it as my little train to health. Oh, who am I kidding?! It’s the big train to health…it just looks little from here, but when you get closer it is really pretty big. Holy mackerel I am tired.

So I am off to drink my second cup of healing (see coffee blog)Chuga chuga choo choo.

This is what today looks like. Wait, I take that back. This is what getting out of bed looks like today. Enough said. But look at me all sitting at the computer and talking with you. I DID IT! I GOT OUT OF BED! It’s nothing but a small miracle. I am now going to celebrate by taking another vitamin C and attempting to put on my wig and say hello to the world outside. I think I feel my blood beginning to sludge through my veins. It appears I may even have it in me to make some coffee. Oh the possibilities…

There is only one solution to having no control over anything in your life…including the headache that has decided to reside over your right eyebrow and occasionally travel down the side of your head despite the two Aleve you took with your coffee.

That solution is to bake cookies. Not just any cookie mind you…but Oatmeal Scotchies. Holy best cookies ever after molasses, shortbread and lemon bars Batman! Is not everyone on the planet happier whilst eating an oatmeal scotchie? I would say the answer to that is an unmistakable YES!.

Thank you Quaker Oats and Nestle for merging together with some butter and eggs to form this delicious solution to life’s daily struggles.

Through this experience I am trying my best to learn new things. The learning spectrum during difficult times is huge if you are willing to look. I decided long ago that I didn’t want this time to be wasted so I am looking. Yesterday and a teeny weeny bit of today, I have gained a new found empathy for those who deal with headaches. I’m not talking about tiny little headaches that are gone within 2 minutes of taking something…I am talking about a real honest to goodness headache that starts in the back of your head and travels up and over to the front of your head. The kind that the pills you swallow take the first available left turn to your kidneys so they can avoid any interaction with your head whatsoever.

I confess to having that very headache yesterday…I confess to thoughts of cutting off my head on several occasions…I confess to thinking of words to scream out while covering my face with a pillow but never said as my son was home and mommy is doing her best to set a good example. I already have one child that has gone rogue with her vocabulary. That’s enough.

Ok so here is a funny thought…how about naming our headaches like we do storms. For example Headache Hilda, assuming of course there is someone named Hilda that may very well be the primary source of your headache…ok…maybe that’s not a good idea. (Quick change to me standing at podium in keeping with the current political season)

“So as I stand before you today ay ay ay ay (echo sounds)I say to all my fellow human beings ings ings ings…that we CAN learn from the circumstances that we are in, we just need to take the time to look and listen…(sound of loud and rising applause) Now let us go and be our better selves today and I will be right behind you after I swallow these two Aleve tablets, and we shall be victorious!” My name is Laurie and I approved this message.

I opened my front door this morning to let the cat out. It was still very dark and it seemed colder than yesterday. I stood there for a few seconds and became aware of the total silence. There was no breeze, not a single sound. It felt oddly restful. I slipped on my son’s coat that was nearby and stood there a bit longer. I thought about what life looks like now. I thought about my son who was still in his room asleep and how in just a few minutes his alarm would go off and he would wake again to his new reality. I thought about my daughter who is struggling with a condition that causes her great anxiety while she is facing huge life changes. I thought about my appointment today with the Dr…wondering what the new treatment is going to look like, how it will affect my ability to be what I am being asked to be right now as a mom and a “dad” and a problem solver and a counselor and a form of glue to what used to be their world.

I took one last look outside and thought about the number of years I have seen those same trees and houses yet life looks so very different now. Before I closed the door I prayed for my son…for my daughter…and for an extra bit of strength.

Yesterday was full of the unexpected. First off the weather was actually good…at least where I come from…I also got something in the mail from my sister-in-law but I don’t know what it is yet because I have to pick it up at the post office. Then I got a CD in the mail from someone I have never met. It was his first album. Thank you Joe, that was so thoughtful, I look forward to listening and thank you Claire for coming to the event. Wow, that was a very fun and interesting night and I am so grateful to everyone.

Next on the list was my Dr’s appointment. The scan results were unexpected, my blood test results were unexpected, I was given two shots and an IV that were also unexpected…and I learned that I will be having surgery soon…very unexpected.

Lots of the unexpected in the last year of life. Some very wonderful and some very hard and very sad.

I am learning more and more that today is the only day I need to deal with. I don’t need to deal with tomorrow because tomorrow may very well be full of the unexpected.

Today I am deciding to tell my kids I love them…a lot…or at least a lot more than normal. Then I am going to eat some Halloween candy…carve that gosh darn punkin and hopefully sit and watch a movie. It’s been too long.

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WOW! Today’s blog could go lots of directions…What do you think?… What do I think about it?… What were you thinking?!… What was I thinking?!… What made you think that?… What did you think was going to happen?

I’ll tell you what I think…I think there is a lot to think about. Right now there are even things I don’t want to think about. Not thinking about something is not always a good thing…It usually ends up with someone saying,” You know, you really should have thought that through a little more.”

Often times we think we are doing the right thing which is then followed by,“What in the world was I thinking?”

So now what do we do? I think…we pray.

Sorry…writer’s block today…among other things.

I love the leaves this time of year. Our backyard is full of Alder trees and Maple trees. The leaves are beautiful. I love the change of seasons, and because of that thought my mind went immediately to how life has seasons too.

If I were to describe my season, it would be some time in February…dark and blustery. You wonder if the rain will ever end. Then I thought a little more about it and realized that February prepares everything for March, April and May…when the sun comes out and the flowers grow and bloom.

So I guess that is how I will think as the days now get dark and stormy…we will talk about the weeds later so as not to ruin the mood.

It’s that time…do you feel it? I started Christmas shopping yesterday. The weather is officially changing, the clocks change tomorrow and our life seems to change with each day.

My son is all about family traditions during the holidays. That makes it tough on my “mommy” heart. We are making a few changes that seem like they will help. Joe has asked to take responsibility for the Christmas Tree so I have turned all things “tree” over to him. My daughter isn’t quite as vocal about the traditions but she did make out her Christmas list…it just said “Pit bull”…hmmmm

As for me, I have been thinking about the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life.” It speaks to me this year more than ever before.

Laurie’s movie review blog: This movie is about someone who is unhappy about the trials in his life. He is given the opportunity to see it from another perspective and he comes to realize that it was those very trials that made his life what it was… a “Wonderful Life”.

I see that happening all around me…I see that happening with me. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we plan it…but in the trials our perspective changes. We begin to see what is really important in life…what makes our life a “Wonderful Life” despite our circumstances.

My heart and my perspective have changed a great deal. I am like George Bailey. I know now what I wish I had known all along… It really is a “Wonderful Life”.

In this cancer experience I am doing things I have never done before. Lots of those things are rather unpleasant. It seemed that after an unpleasant experience, I had an unpleasant attitude…and I felt crummy the rest of the day. Now, in my defense, if after 12 tries the nurse can’t get an IV started,it would be natural for me to feel crummy…crummy to the point of crabby…which everyone knows leads to grumpy at the very least…then grumpy to teary and teary to the shower and the shower to pajamas and so on.

I don’t like that. I don’t like crummy or crabby or grumpy…I do like pajamas but who doesn’t? So I have implemented a new plan…well it’s not all that new…it’s new-ish… it’s called being really really nice. I find that when you walk in a room, and you start with the whole really really nice thing…the atmosphere in the room begins to change…things become less crummy and by the time it is over, crummy has turned to tolerable and maybe even doable or even semi-pleasant. So next time you are facing an undesirable task be nice to everyone around you and you may be surprised by the outcome. ( disclaimer )This includes being nice to even those who are not nice to you.

“It’s snowing still,” said Eeyore gloomily. “So it is.” “And freezing.” “Is it?” “Yes,” said Eeyore. “However,” he said, brightening up a little, “we haven’t had an earthquake lately.”

Ohhhhhh I love Eeyore. He is real, he is honest, and he is a survivor. And he is right…sometimes you find yourself in a position where the only thing you feel thankful for is that you haven’t had a earthquake lately. It’s true, there really are days like that.

So why do we have days like that? Why are there times when it seems like we are wearing a target on our back…and our front for that matter…and all things physical and emotional and financial and spiritual seem like they are just shooting at us? I think, and granted I have had a lot of radiation to my head, but I think we are allowed these “times” to learn life is not ours to control, and also to be grateful for what we have…for hot water for a shower and gas for the car and for the car for pity sake… and covers on our bed and food in the fridge…for neighbors who help, for health if we have it.

So I think Eeyore ROCKS! I think on the non-earthquake days we can at least think “I am so glad we haven’t had an earthquake today”…maybe that will lead to bigger things and that may eventually lead you to Target to buy something fun instead of being the target…at least for one day… I’ll try it if you will.

This morning was one of those mornings you want to somehow keep frozen in time. One of those moments you want to remember forever, one that changes the rest of time and eternity. Today my son shaved his moustache. Yes, I said his moustache. He has been growing this dark line of facial hair for the past few months and today he came to me and asked to shave it for the first time! So off we went to the bathroom mirror and he took care of it like a pro…like he was a moustache specialist…then he ran his finger over the top of his lip and said, “that feels so weird.” This is a day that a mom starts thinking about when her 5 year old son puts shaving cream on his face for the first time and then scrapes it off with a popsicle stick. He wants to be a man…and wow my son is really becoming a man…faster than he wants I am sure…but he is handling it with amazing strength.

So “Moustache Joe” here’s to you and your future…and everytime you shave may you remember what an amazing young man you are!

WARNING THIS BLOG WAS WRITTEN IN A FACILITY THAT ALSO CONTAINS PEANUTS AND OTHER TREE NUTS AND NUTS THAT ARE NOT REALLY NUTS BUT PEOPLE THAT ACT LIKE NUTS. CONSUMERS: PLEASE READ THIS STATEMENT CAREFULLY.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a Nutritionist, which is a part of the new Dr’s treatment plan. I have never had an appointment with a Nutritionist before so I had no idea what to expect. While making my appointment with her, she explained that her office was located inside the hospital. As you may assume this caused my confidence in her to skyrocket.

After locating her office she invited me in. The office was dark but for one light hanging over the table…it felt a little like my eating habits were about to be interrogated…and they were. While she shot question after question I began to wonder if I should confess to eating those two small dark chocolate Bliss squares before I left the house? Oooooohhhhh the guilt!

Upon questioning me she came to the conclusion that I was and am PROTEIN DEFICIENT. With diagnosis in hand she began to explain to me that I am in need of 60grams of protein a day…how ever I can get it.

The next few minutes were filled with food and numbers. I knew I was never going to remember all of this when suddenly she pulled out a piece of paper that had everything written down, tailored to my need for protein.

Step 1: For breakfast…1 latte- 14 grams 1 piece of toast w/ 2T peanut butter- 7grams I realized that with 2 TABLESPOONS of peanut butter on one slice of toast I was going to need the latte close at hand so as not to choke to death while trying not to succumb to protein deficiency.

I am trying to look forward to my new life of cottage cheese and Greek yogurt but if protein is going to help my body repair itself, then cottage cheese it is!

P.S. I know what you’re thinking but all those Reeses peanut butter cups you just ate after Halloween don’t count!