If I were to describe how life feels right now this is it! The only difference would be that I would be pedaling the bike AND crying…occasionally I would throw in some gnashing of teeth for stress relief and style points.

The truth is that I am still loved despite it and for reasons of undeserved mercy, I reach today’s destination. Can I hear an AMEN?

It has been a bit of a strange day so far. When I woke up this morning, the day was scheduled to the brim and now all of a sudden it’s changed. That doesn’t happen too often. Did I forget my deodorant or something? Maybe I shouldn’t get my scented dryer sheets from the Dollar store anymore. Seriously, what did I do?

Anyway, as long as I have nothing on the schedule, I decided to look up “how to make fondant” on You Tube. This year’s birthday is going to be a bit different than the last 20 or so. So I decided that I was going to do something I have never done before.

Now when most people say that, it is usually followed by some sort of major announcement that they are going to bungee jump off the San Francisco Bay bridge, or leap out of a plane at 57,000 feet…or they are going to go on an African Safari. Well not me. I am going to make FONDANT!! Actually, I tried to talk a friend into a karaoke bar, but after prayer and supplication, she has chosen to save me from myself and refuse to go. It’s probably better that I don’t, really, if you think about it. Not a good decision.

So I am forging ahead with the fondant idea. No risk/no reward is my new fondant motto. My day has purpose now. I must go to Costco for abnormally giant bags of mini marshmallows and powdered sugar. I love it when a day comes together.

Every once in a while, someone new will let me know that they read my blog every day. It is hard for me to imagine it, but when they tell me, I feel sparkley joy inside. I love sparkley joy. So today’s sparkley joy has been brought to you by Jillian. I am blessed to call her family and a friend. Are you embarassed yet J ?

Thank you everyone for the joy you impart to me.

I never imagined that I would ever be in the situation I am in. I have no idea what life is going to look like on a minute to minute basis. There are days when I feel very very lost. I guess I always thought that being lost was a bad thing. And I think in many cases it would be. Like say you get on a plane and for some reason the plane tears apart in mid-air. Only 48 of the passengers survive and you are stuck on this deserted island..and maybe there is this weird smoke monstery thing and polar bears…and you try to find your way back home but it doesn’t work. THAT is not the good kind of lost.

I am talking more about directionally lost. Like you find yourself in very unfamiliar circumstances, and you are not sure what to do now. Here again, what may appear to be a bad situation can become a good situation in an odd sort of way…no…I did not take too much pain medication. Being lost puts us in a situation where we have to ask for direction. Where we realize that we don’t have the answers. I don’t know much more than this, but I am asking.

This summer has been a tough one. For each one of the kids and me there is an individual story of experiences and feelings. In my version I am Laurie but I am also MOM..Dean of Disorder, Director of Discord, Superintendent of Pandemonium with a Masters in Zookeeping.( Sistah Moms say AMEN!)

At the moment of conception,when that first cell splits, so does your life. So in the midst of dealing with my own circumstances, I also deal with my children’s circumstances in high school drama, cancer, dad leaving and huge changes.

My son, for the most part, is quiet…his story is deep,confusing and compelling. My daughter lives her story out loud…her story is anxious,fearful,and full of changes. In the overall story, my son is the Turtle and my daughter is the Rabbit…I am supposed to be the Wise old Owl I guess, and let me just add, in case you hadn’t heard, “old” is the new 30.

I wish I could say that it was all working well despite our current circumstances. That the Turtle and Rabbit walk together in harmony through the Fretful Forest and find the Owl resting on her branch, next to the knotholl she had just redone by refreshing her bedding and tossing out a few of the older branch furniture. Upon arrival they would ask the Owl for advice and the Owl would respond with..”Whooooo are you? Ha ha ha ha…not really. She would respond with advice containing the knowledge she had received while earning her Masters in Mommyism. And when that didn’t work…The owl flew off her branch and found a quiet place in the forest to cry and pray her owl brains out. Then she had her talons polished with bright red sparkly polish while she was out because that made more sense then going back home and then out again just for that.

When she arrived back at the branch, she told the Turtle and the Rabbit that although life was difficult now, it won’t always be that way…life is about change and that regardless of where we are, we are there for our benefit..that God was slathering on the waxy goo in order to polish us…oh wait, that’s the old woman in the shoe…still you get the picture.

Then the owl kissed the turtle and the rabbit and told them to be in bed by 11. The end…well, not really.

The news from my latest scan was not the news we hoped for. I will be starting more radiation soon. The Dr. has chosen to take me off the oral chemo as he believes it has stopped working. When I am through with the radiation I will begin a new form of chemotherapy. God willing, the cancer will be defenseless against it.

Forgive me if say that I can’t blog today. There is just “too much” and God and I need to have a conversation about how I am going to handle it.

In our family there has always been a mom and a dad and two kids. Right now there is only a mom and two kids. Oh there is still a dad, but he is making other choices right now…hence the upside down house in the previous blog.

It has been challenging here in the “two kids and no dad” jungle, but I sure have a new appreciation for single moms. Single moms…YOU ROCK! This is a hard job and for me it just got a little, or let’s say A Lot harder.

With my new treatment schedule the next few months appear as if I will be learning a whole new level of letting go. Wasn’t I already at the “letting go” bottom? I thought for sure I had nothing left to let go of. But I guess I do. Dang!

So here we go again with the “this mom and two kids are forging ahead” theme. I think we need a theme song. Looks like it might be this way for a while. Any suggestions?

What a day! Amazing day! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!

I just want to say thank you again for what everyone did for me yesterday. I am so grateful.

Starting this coming Monday, I begin radiation treatment again. They will be treating two different spots on my left side. The concern this time is broken bones.

There are two other spots, (I like to call them spots because it makes me think of polka-dots…which are happy and friendly little things..like confetti, or candy…am I right?)

Anyway, these two other spots are in areas that have been radiated before…and because of that one tiny little fact, they can’t radiate them right now.

Those two spots (I am going to call them Pink and Purple) can only be radiated by the big Gamma Knife machine.

So in my mind I am picturing a delicious cake with pink and purple dots made of fondant (see previous blog on making fondant)and a big knife cutting a perfect piece which I promptly place in a garbage can because who in their right mind wants a cake made of cancer cells.

I have never been Gamma Knifed before so rest assured my friends, there will be more on that in the weeks to come.

The next new experience will be IV chemotherapy. I have been on oral chemo for the better part of the past year… That was a weird sentence… The BETTER part of last year? Which part was that? That is going to require more thought.

I don’t know for sure what my treatment will look like…but next Tuesday my Dr. will unlock the secret chemo plan to me…and I will shout it from the mountain tops as I will already be up there shouting about my upside down life. Then I will feel much better having released all that stress.

So stay tuned,same time, same channel, for more of this adventure.

After the results of my last scan, I have been wondering. I realize that “it is what it is” as they say, but…is it possible that…naahh, probably not so much.

Phew! I feel better now that that issue is resolved. Next issue please.

When life gives you lemons what should you do? Ok, altogether now, “MAKE LEMONADE”. And when life gives you ginger, put the lemon and the ginger in a small teapot, wait 3 minutes and drink.

Great advice I believe as lemon and ginger have both been noted for slowing the spread of cancer. Who is not going to be all over that I ask myself!! And “HELLO”, at this time of year isn’t it time to start thinking of all things ginger? For the ginger impaired let me just say GINGERBREAD. Enough said.

So, when life gives you lemons don’t whine, just add a little ginger and let your imagination run wild…you know…within reason…don’t go too crazy…maybe just make tea…or some gingerbread…that’s all I”m saying.

My new round of radiation treatment starts today. Yippee (she said through gritted teeth). Supposedly, I will be through this round by Friday. Next step will be Cyber Knife…possibly…then chemo. Yahoo (jaw still clenched).

Well, I gotta go now…my happy place is calling.

The situation, as it stands now, it still a bit fluid. WOW! I just thought about what that sentence looks like to a person with Asperger’s. First off, situations don’t stand…and fluid is liquid. So to rephrase…The circumstances I am in now, are still changing. I was informed yesterday that my radiation treatment will continue for another week. So all of the things I took off the calendar for this week and moved to next week, now have to be taken off the calendar for next week and moved to the following week…if that is even possible.

I still don’t really know what chemotherapy medicine I will be taking. There are many many choices, all poisonous, all with side effects, some with horrible side effects, some with very few,some that are taken weekly and some every 3 weeks.

I know some of you have been through this before. And if you have, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to hear from you.

The chemo also requires a “port” which is a little dealybop they sick in your chest to administer the poison.

I have no idea yet how long I will be taking this medicine. I have heard it could be up to a year. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

So…onward and upward as they say. I don’t think they are necessarily happy when they say it, but they still say it because it is the right thing to do.

I just want to say thank you to everyone of you. Some of you I have met, some I have known for years and years and years and years, some are family, some are friends of family, and some just ended up here somehow. I am grateful for you no matter what category you fall in.

Today, due to my current situation, I want to give a Super Friends shout out to the two girls that are putting in the miles for me this week. Thanks beyond measure goes to you both.

And thank you as well to my new friends that are coming here, in exactly 32 minutes to drive me to Seattle again for radiation and Dr. Radiation, otherwise known as Dr. Landis.

And the fun never stops…well, actually it does…pretty much every day…but I just keep reminding myself that the fun never stops…it’s complicated…we will talk about it later. : )

So yesterday I learned something new. I learned that your shin bone is also called your TIBIA. I knew I had a tibia but I wasn’t sure where exactly it was located. Now I am sure and I am taking my tibia bone every day to radiation treatment.

But wait… there’s more I also learned that my tibia will be at it’s weakest point after the radiation is done. Huh? So I asked my Dr. that same question…“huh?”

You see, the cancer does not grow on the outside of the bone like a barnacle. It grows in the porous section of the bone…the little teeny tiny holes in your bones. As it expands and grows the bones begin to break…it ain’t pretty.

So to prevent your bone from breaking…which would seriously hurt and which outcome I am doing my best to avoid, the cancer must die by radiation. All of a sudden I feel like Jack Bauer with a big gun that shoots radiation!

But wait there’s more…You would think that killing the cancer cells in your tibia is a good thing…and you would be right…buuuuttttt..it is at that time that the tibia is most likely to break. Huh? So I asked my Dr. that same question…“huh?”

When the cancer dies, the area where the cancer cells were becomes hollow until the bone can regenerate new bone. It works the same as if you had actually broken the bone. The process of regeneration takes about 6-8 weeks. And the word on the street is that the bone becomes stronger by virtue of the breaking. Now that, in my opinion, is a metaphor for life.

As a little girl I loved watching JP Patches on TV. He had an ICU2 tv set and every day he would mention names of kids who were watching. He never called my name but I still waited every day to hear it. I loved his silly jokes, and alter egos. JP’s name was Julius Pierpont Patches…along with JP was Boris S. Wort, The Swami of Pastrami, LeRoy Frump, Superclown, PJ Scratches and more.

The show ran from 1958 to 1981. This was my entire childhood. As I sat and laughed with JP I never thought that in the future I would be sitting and laughing with him as we both waited for radiation treatment. That is the experience I had yesterday and will have in the upcoming week. It may sound silly but I loved sitting with JP, both of us in our attractive treatment attire…discussing life and laughing. The best thing about yesterday was that I was a Patches Pal and not a cancer patient. Thank you JP.

I hit the road again for another week of treatment. I am not whining mind you. I know there are some who would gladly make the drive everyday if they could only find a job. So no whining here. How about complaining? Is complaining allowed? Ok, I guess not…even if it was allowed I would really have no reason to complain. I will be spending the morning and/or afternoon with a good friend and who can complain about that? Not me.

So, as there is no further information other than I am on the road again, I will go and have my 2nd cup of coffee and be thankful even if we do have to drive 3+ hours for a 5 minute treatment. Dang! I’m sorry, it just slipped out.

The very first time I met my radiation team was in my hospital room the day after surgery. They were moving me from my bed to a backboard and to another bed. This bed transported me to another part of the hospital where they began taking x-rays and marking spots for my upcoming 5 weeks of treatment.

I spent most of that day feeling like I was watching myself in a Hallmark movie…that it couldn’t be real…but I couldn’t find the remote to change the channel.

On that same day I bonded a little with these people. They were very focused and spoke mostly in numbers but despite their mission they smiled at me a lot. There were several of them revolving around me in constant motion, but no matter what they were focused on, they made sure to provide me with a reassuring touch. As I stared at the ceiling I could feel someone pat my arm or squeeze my hand or brush my forehead.

As I moved through treatment we began having fun together…yes, I just said fun… There was Mike and his quirky music…Jude and his sense of humor..Jean and her brilliant ability to take the fear out of everything and make you wish you could stay a bit longer. And there was Kathy who always was the first to greet you by name and the other Jean who smiled and cared about every detail and even sat with mom to help with the puzzle.

These amazing people became the “team”. I had many rounds of radiation with the “team”. Then one day I came to see Dr Lee and the “team” was gone.

Due to a bunch of contracts and decisions that I know nothing about, the “team” was moving to a different location and began to split up. That has made this round of radiation more of a struggle. Oh both Jeans are there and that soothes my troubled heart, but the “team” is no more and I feel vulnerable. I am back in the Hallmark movie where everything is strange again. I take that back. It is more like a dream because J.P. is there now too, and in what world does cancer, friends, strangers, treatment and J.P. Patches exist together. Ya, it’s a dream.

Today I learned that people in the U.S. receive most of their antioxidants from coffee. Scientists are saying that a serving of coffee contains more antioxidants than a typical serving of blueberries, grape juice, raspberries, or oranges. A cup of coffee contains up to four times as much antioxidant activity as a cup of green tea. Can I hear an AMEN..cuz’ green tea tastes like the grass in my front yard…not that I have ever eaten the grass in my front yard.

Antioxidants protect people from free radicals produced in the body and in the environment and our diets. Scientists are finding that drinking coffee makes it possible to postpone or prevent many degenerative diseases including cancer, heart disease cataracts, and diseases of the nervous system. Chlorogenic acid is the main poly phenol in coffee, but there are others too. A Japanese study of 61,000 people found that coffee drinkers are less likely to develop liver cancer than those who don’t drink it. To that I say bottoms up! Caffeic acid, which I have never heard of, is another poly phenol found in coffee that has been shown to protect cells from oxidation. Caffeic acid works together with the cholorogenic acid to protect cerebral neurons, promote cell differentiation, and normalize colon function. Can I hear another AMEN! The combination has been found effective at stopping cell proliferation and causing cell death in breast cancer cells…AMEN and HALLELUJAH.

This blog was written in all my own words…no it wasn’t…I just wanted to appear smarter today because my brain is offically fried from these last 10 treatments…and all the carbon monoxide from the miles and miles of driving…ok that’s not true either..or maybe it could be…I have no idea. But in my defense I have traveled 1,400 miles these past two weeks.

So Viva Cafe’ as they say…and fill your day with caffeic acid and may you be better for it. As for me…it’s a Punkin’ spiced latte day!