Have you ever asked yourself “how does this fit into my head?” I didn’t think so. But if you have, I want to know who you are!

My knee still hurts bad after all the radiation treatment.It hurts so bad that it is hard to walk, even with a cane. I want to cry all day.

Haiti just had a devastating earthquake and the pain there, I think, is beyond my understanding.

I think it’s ok to be sad about my knee, even mad about my knee, and mad at the cancer. The question is, how does that small issue co-exist with Haiti in my head. I suppose it just does.

There must be brain compartments where you can tuck in personal pain and then move over a few synapses and tuck in the Haiti level pain. I don’t know how else it works. Good thing it’s not my job to answer the question.

I don’t have that many synapses left, so let’s everyone stop being in pain…Doh! Snap!…

It’s easily assumed that when someone has cancer, their days are filled with Dr.’s appointments, prescriptions and treatments…which they are. We are aware that along with this, there is often fatigue, pain, nausea and mobility issues. What is overlooked I think, on occasion…and not by you of course…is that there is real life to deal with as well.

This morning I woke to high winds which blew our recycle bin over, a sick cat that peed on my daughters chair and a son that needed to stay home from school. Then there was the teenager begging to drive to school because two days ago she got her permit and truly believes she could school everyone in the art of skill behind the wheel. This is evidently based on her total of 8 minutes driving experience. As I explained why I was choosing for her not to drive in the rain, in the dark, with hundreds of parents dropping off hundreds of kids all dressed in black darting across roads and parking lots…I was informed that she had done things in her driving experience that I had “never ever done before in my life”. That must have been some 8 minutes!

Then there is dinner, laundry, bills, grocery, bank, get gas, change oil, let the dog out, shower shampoo and shine (does anyone else remember that?)and on and on.

I am thankful that I can still do most of these things. I may not do them well or quickly, but I can do them. I am thankful for sick cats and drivers ed because it means I am alive and I have the opportunity to smile and hope and other stuff.

That’s all…I just wanted to tell you that.

Be the bird. It’s a thought that came to me years ago…and like most thoughts I have, I forgot about it. It’s a good one though…and for some reason it popped back into my head today.

How does one “be the bird” you may be asking yourself or me or someone standing near you.

Here is my take on it. Birds, for the most part, are just birds. They fly, they eat, they sit on a branch. They really aren’t concerned about whether or not there will be enough berries for tomorrow, or if the worm population will be affected by the upcoming cold temperatures. I don’t think they worry about housing in the Spring or if their feathers match. They are just birds. They somehow know that their maker is going to deal with those issues so they just do bird things…without care…and often they are singing to boot.

So “be the bird” is my focus today. Can’t say I will be successful at it but something is better than nothing…and I am pretty confident I have the “perching” part handled.

Yesterday I was talking about being the bird…free of worry and living life a day at a time, trusting and hoping while I perched myself at home.

Well today I don’t feel anything like that perky little bird that is singing it’s heart out despite the cat that is eyeballing it from behind the fence post. In fact, where is that pellet gun anyway?… Today I feel like “Snortzy” and all I want to do is wallow. I am just trying to keep it real people. No one is perfect and this is a long hard road…I am just trying to walk it truthfully and with some grace. So I still believe what I said yesterday about the bird…however, I am going to do the pig thing until about noon and then “letitgo”

I still don’t really have a leg to stand on. The pain in my left knee is causing me to walk funny with my cane, which is in turn causing my right knee to hurt too. Bugga’!

I do have a call in to the Dr. to ask about a knee brace. Still haven’t heard.

Did anyone watch “24” last night? Now THAT’S a relaxing show.

I am not sure what is worse today…the pain I feel on the outside or the pain on the inside.

THIS IS A BLOG I WROTE A FEW YEARS AGO..SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

This is a very random post today. A chance for me to vent a little because there is no one here but the dog…and to be quite honest, I think he is just as tired of this whole mess as I am. It was another battle this morning to get my eldest child off to school…it’s a long long story that has been going on since kindergarten, which is why both the dog and I are beyond tired of this…and he has only been around the last 3 years of this mess… This situation is like an octopus in that it has one main body but many appendages…so if an octopus had more than 8 legs, that is what it would be like…say a decapus or centipus… Part of the main body, say, the mouth, is when she comes to me daily complaining of some extreme trauma having to do with school and begging, nay, beseeching my intervention on her behalf, with the school administration. Translation: “Mom, can you email my teacher and tell them about all my problems and that because of these problems I didn’t get my homework done?” Or the more literal translation…”Mom,can you get me out of this?” Sometimes when this happens I hear a teenager just being a teenager, and other times I hear an Autistic cry for help…dang these mother’s ears anyway!…so time after time after time after time after time after time after time after time infinity, I contact the school for whatever help seems appropriate. Having been alerted to the severity of the situation they approach my daughter the next day to help her handle the fragile state she claims to be in only to find out, by her own admission, that she is “just fine”. Over time this exact scenario has repeated itself dozens and dozens of times…actually bringing someone in the school district to the assumption that “mommy must be on drugs or something”. Which is why, when I went to get coffee this morning, I passed on the poppy seed muffin and got the apple scone instead. Just in case.

Car keys do more than start cars…they motivate 18 year old girls to do their homework.

The last several weeks have been hard ones for me…you may have picked up on that : ) …being in pain seems to take a lot more out of you than you think. It is hard to fight that dreary, frustrated, tired, cranky feeling.

I have done my part by eating chocolate, napping when possible, watching Brian Regan’s stand up comedy DVD’s…which, BTW ( which means “by the way” for those of you over 45) is hilarious..but it is still hard to maintain any kind of chipper frame of mind throughout the entire day.

I decided to go back and read some of my previous blogs from a few years ago…oddly enough I found one on depression. It wasn’t the slightest bit depressing..and I know there are others who are reading this right now that in fact are depressed or know someone who is…

So in your honor and for health of mind and body…I submit to you “Do it yourself” written 6-9-06

I logged on to check my mail this morning and in the center of my home page was a headline announcing AT HOME TREATMENTS FOR DEPRESSION. “I’ve been a bit depressed lately” I thought to myself…”I should read that.”

Step one was to “set realistic goals and don’t take on too much responsibility” Hmmm, I suppose I could whittle laundry down to once a week. And one healthy dinner is better than none so I could bypass all that shopping for fresh produce, all the shaking and sniffing of fresh fruit, and go straight for the Easy Mac… that should help. A weight was beginning to lift off my shoulders and I read on. “Avoid drinking alcohol or using illegal drugs during depressed episodes” Wow! I sure am glad that they qualified that because I don’t think I could “do it all” if it weren’t for the illegal drugs. Huh…I wonder if draining all the money from our savings, dodging those nasty collection phone calls from Tony “Bananas” Casella , and all those late sleepless nights in the alley behind the Thrifty buying and using are contributing to my depression?! Nahhhh. “Get adequate sleep” If you have problems sleeping: *keep your bedroom dark and free of noise…well it is usually dark until the kids come in and flip the lights on to tell us the score of the baseball game they saw on tv…then it’s dark again until they remember the homework they left at school and how we needed to e-mail their teacher so they wouldn’t get in trouble…then it’s usually dark again for a while until the cat comes in followed by the dog and I have to turn the light on to find the cat and throw them both into the hall, at which time the “mood” is usually gone so then the noise thing is no longer an issue. “Let your family and friends help you” I have tried this before. I remember the time I asked the kids to take their piles of freshly washed and folded clothes up to their rooms allowing me a leisurely two extra minutes to think about dinner. This is good I thought, getting the kids to help me out. After what seemed like an eternity, my two minutes were up and I headed out to the kitchen to find the kids clothes on the floor at the foot of the stairs covered in cat hair as they hurled the cat from half way up the staircase into the pile, because after all, you wouldn’t want to hurt the cat. Then there was that time my Mom offered to take the kids for the day to give me a break…allowing me time to re-wash and re-fold the kids clothes and shop for the one healthy dinner I was going to make that week. She made elaborate plans and the kids were so excited and couldn’t stop talking about it. Then without warning the phone rang and before I knew it the kids were in tears…it sounded like “Waaaaaaaa sniff sniff Gramma waaaa and she sniff waaaaaaaa can’t waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaa so we sniff sniff aren’t WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” which then greatly interfered with my schedule as I had to make several extra trips to the alley behind the Thrifty just to get through the weekend. “Postpone major life decisions such as divorce” I pondered this one for a while and began to wonder if the whole marriage thing is what causes the depression in the first place. No marriage no husband, no kids, no nagging concerns about their health, no freshly washed clothes covered in cat hair, no hysterical crying episodes, no need for illegal drugs to cope( eliminating the gambling problem altogether) resulting in a perfectly dark and noise free bedroom allowing for a wonderful night’s sleep. “Be patient and kind to yourself” I guess after 15 years I should quit waiting around for that! Be patient and kind to yourself cuz no one else is gonna be. “Try to share your feelings, it’s better than being secretive” I don’t know about that…I guess that all depends…I mean I think my feelings about the guy that’s doing the roof down the street are probably better off kept to myself…especially on the sunny hot afternoons. And I am sure that my feelings about “Perky Blond Mom” at school are not something that would benefit anyone to share…this one is definitely debatable. Well…I gotta go…there are a few things I need from the Thrifty.

Today is HINKBOWL…you can look it up online at www.hinkball.com my husband’s creation. HINKBOWL brings old friends together for one day a year. There is food guaranteed to give you instant heartburn, pointless men’s conversation necessary for the survival of the male species, loudness and laughing…lots of laughing. It’s an oddly fun day…even for me. I have known these guys for years…a GREAT group of men that care about Chad and me and our kids. For them I will take all three of the painkillers so that I can hobble out of my room every so often to participate in a very loud, very sarcastic, very competetive, very rediculous, very necessary event.

HUGS

THEY PROMOTE HEALING

For some strange reason I have been reading about the “lymph” system the last few days. I have no idea why I would do that…I just did. Anyway, I learned a few things. I only learned a few things because most of the stuff I read went WAY over my head.

This little paragraph may help you learn a little more about your lymph system:

“The lymph system is the body’s drainage system. It is composed of a network of vessels and small structures called lymph nodes. The lymph vessels convey excess fluid collected from all over the body back into the blood circulation. Along the way, however, these fluids are forced to percolate through the lymph nodes so that they can be filtered. Harmful organisms are trapped and destroyed by the specialized white blood cells, called lymphocytes, that are present in these nodes. Lymphocytes are also added to the lymph that flows out of nodes and back to the bloodstream.”

So now I know a little more about the purpose and function of the lymph system, how it relates to our health etc…

One more thing I learned about the lymph system. I learned that it does not circulate well…it needs our help…with just the weight of a nickel and gentle squeezing of arms, neck and shoulders..the lymph system is activated.

Because of this I highly recommend hugging people today!! And everyday.

I was thinking about me today…ha that sounds funny…I guess I think about me a lot. Anyway, I was thinking about me today among other people, and the giant things we are facing in our lives. 99.99% are not positive giant things but negative giant things. Facing giant things is hard…very hard. I often wish the only giant things I had to face was how to consume a giant eggnog latte or spend a giant amount of money recently bequeathed to me by a distant relative. Sadly, that isn’t the case most of the time.

So as I thought of this, I thought of giants, and as I don’t know too many giants I thought of Goliath cuz’ he is really the only giant I know about, and I really know very little about him. Soooooo, because I don’t have anything to do for an hour or so I looked up Goliath.

Goliath from Gath. A Philistine soldier…10 ft tall..he wore 126 lbs of armor and just the tip of his spear weighed 15lbs. He was big and scary. I suppose most giants are. I guess every day for about a month he stood out on the top of this hill with all the other scary guys with spears behind him and he called over to the opposing troops on the other side and taunted them. He probably said things like, “baby baby 2X4 couldn’t fit through the bedroom door” or “I see Paris, I see France, I see all your underpants” or even “missed me missed me now you gotta kiss me”.

Whatever he said was enough to scare the other guys. So they got anxious, afraid, stuck, depressed…they wondered and questioned and I am sure even hated the position they were in. Sounds all too familiar to me.

Then there is David…pretty small guy…shepherd…played the harp..totally not a stud…after bringing a few sandwiches to his brother’s he sees Goliath. He walks toward him and announces “you’re a gonner dude” and slings a rock at his head. Somehow that rock was slung so hard that it was embedded in Goliath’s head and he died on the spot. David then decided to chop Goliath’s head off…anger management classes were not at option then I guess.

So I thought again about the giants we face now..how they taunt us and want us to feel scared and depressed and stuck and hopeless…but I think then about the David part and try to find the David in me…who by the way does not play the harp…and see if I can, even if just for one day, say to the giant…you are not going to win today.

I am back from two days in Seattle. The first day was lab work and a skeletal survey. I have never had that before. It’s basically several hundred x-rays of your skeleton…not really…more like 20…

Scans are one of the giants I face…it’s an “outta sight outta mind” issue…and typically if you go in looking for something, you find it…or you find something else. Sometimes, if even for one minute, denial is my “BFF”.

So after the x-rays I had a tuna sandwich at the “Edmonds Inn” aka mom and dad’s. I sat for several hours in the recliner…watched American Idol…and went to bed.

I woke at 3:48 am the next morning. I really never went back to sleep. You know how your brain starts thinking of things…usually not fun things like what a great deal you got on those cute boots from Macy’s or how you totally aced the meatloaf you made for dinner. It’s typically trouble, worry, sadness, stress, anger…or scheduling…just threw that in there for you Type A’s.

At 9:00am I had my appointment with my Oncologist…no progression of the cancer…that is good news…Knees are still an issue…dealing with that later. At 9:15 I am in for my IV. Today it was “mad skills Kathy” that got it in one poke! Mom went out to get the laptop…I asked Kathy for some orange juice and mom returned with laptop and a molasses cookie…thank you mommy.

Next to me sat a beautiful woman dressed in pink. She knew my mom. She turned to look at me and after stating that just the week before they thought she was a “gonner” due to her cancer she said..“oh Laurie, we have been praying for you”.

Somebody tell me that’s not a miracle on soooooo many levels!

Just a quickie since it’s dinner time and stuff… I made two connections in the last two days . The first was a very good, very awesome (we were friends in the 80’s) very special friend…so special in fact that she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. We haven’t seen eachother in at least 10 years. We had dinner and laughed hard for 3 hours killing approximately 10,467 cancer cells.

Then today…a phone call from a woman I have known but never met and never spoken to. A fabulous woman who I hope to stay in touch with for years to come…we talked and laughed for 45 min…discussing our lives and stories. This connection killed 8,723 cancer cells only because it was a little shorter visit…making a total of 19,190 total cancer cells on their way out!

Thank you ladies

Ok, let’s see if I can make sense of this. I am having chemotherapy treatment. It comes in a pill so I don’t have to drive to Seattle all the time. I take 8 of these giant pills a day and according to the Dr. each one is “a missile” against the cancer. The protocol for taking these pills (protocol is the home school mom’s word for the day)is to take 8 pills a day for 14 days and then take a break from taking the pills for 7 days and then repeat ad infinitum…(we will introduce more Latin later)

So today is round 3 day 5…are you still with me?…Today I am going to quit taking the pills…I can do that…the Dr. said I could..He said if the side effects get really uncomfortable, I could stop taking the pills. He is a very nice man. Now that leaves 11 days when I would normally be taking the pills PLUS the 7 day break bringing us to a grand total (let’s see x+y-4x the sq root of 12=)18 days of no pills. This comes as great relief to me. You see all the skin peeled off the heel of my right foot. OUCH! Not to mention the wierd lip feeling and the fingertip burning and the constant taste of metal and the swelling ankles… 18 days off the pills is this cancer girl’s equivalent to Spring Break 2010. Now if my heel would heal I can walk to the kitchen and celebrate.

I woke up today and within 5 minutes I was crying. The day started awful…continued awful and remains awful to this very hour. I was amazed to find this picture and I will tell you why. Every other week, thanks to my very generous and wonderful aunt and uncle, someone comes to clean the house. Normally I leave and get out of the way, but today I didn’t. My knees hurt, my feet were burning, I was tired and there was stuff to do on the computer…also I had been crying for several hours by then and that just is not a good look.

Well, after knocking stuff off the wall in the hallway, leaving several area rugs in a pile on the floor in my bedroom, and not dusting anything within 10ft of the computer and the desk it sits on…the girls left.

Then there was this smell…like burned meat…since I am long past offering burnt sacrifices in my house I was curious as to the smell. I turned around and something in the kitchen was…well…on fire. I hobbled to the sink, soaked a towel in water and threw it over the burning bag of potatoes set off by the indoor grill which was turned ON by one of the cleaning gals just before she left. I am not quite sure what this gal had for breakfast before she showed up, or if it was Mojito Monday, but she coulda burned my house down and that would have officially made it a bad day.

I wasn’t planning on writing anything today. There is a spot next to my shoulder blade that is very painful…combine that with my knees and that adds up to the very small “big” pill. The big pill makes me sleepy and brings my synapses to a screeching halt. I took the big pill so I could get in the car and drive 10 minutes to the hair salon. Yes, the hair salon. I decided yesterday that it was “time”…time to look at the hair situation…more about that later.

After running 1 errand, picking up my daughter and driving her to feed the horses, I was “done”…drained, pooped..then there was a tap on the door…a wonderful, precious, generous woman, who spends her days giving to others…walked through the door with dinner…not only that but she stayed and we talked and laughed…she listened as I told her about my sore muscles and my dream of the massage I am not allowed to have…boy did she listen…she listened and she GAVE. She gave me the gift of an endless massage. A woman who spends her life giving, gave to me and I cried. I want to be her, I want to be that way…I want to give despite my day and my circumstances. Thank you Kathie for your gift(s).

World…meet Forest…Forest meet world. This is my baby Forest Jump. He is part Tennessee Walker and part Akhal Teke. He is beautiful. I was there when he was born..I watched it all..it was beautifully gross. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Forest. I named him Forest Jump because his dad had to jump several fences to get to his mom…but I am glad he went to the effort. Now it’s time for Forest to find a new home. Oops..just a sec…let me find a tissue..sniff sniff… If you know of a young girl who wants to fall instantly in love with a “boy” without any of those awkward relationship consequences…or one who swoons at the smell of baby horse breath, hay, and leather…please let me know…I want to make a girls dream come true…you see Forest is free…it’s part of my new perspective on giving despite my circumstances.

I just can’t stand it…I’m in love!

He is so handsome isn’t he?!

I would love to do something with my hands since I have to stay off my feet to allow my knees to heal…wow that’s a lot of body parts. I really want to learn to crochet. Not the grandma kind but the scarf kind. Something that requires very little thought because very little thoughts require very little thinking and that is right up my alley right now. I have a how to book, and I have looked on You Tube but it seems I am not as smart as I look. I need a crochet tutor. So the quest is on to find a teacher of the lost art of crochet.