I have recently found a numb spot on my chin. It feels weird…kinda like the last stages of a dental visit…not TOTALLY numb but not not-numb. For months I have avoided looking up my symptoms on line because that is a slippery slope I do not want to start sliding down…that slope is steep, rocky, and full of prickers!

So after looking my symptoms up online…I found that one of the causes of this, is metastatic breast cancer…who knew? Well some people knew cuz someone had to post it. So I called the Dr., and Naveed (Nurse extraordinaire) told me not to give it another thought. While admitting that the mind is a terrible thing, he told me that there were many reasons for this numb chin thing and there was no reason for me to stew about it…adding that looking symptoms up online is a bad bad idea.

For a split second I felt peace. It was great…it was refreshing…it was so quick. I feel like I will never learn.

Today I just want to give up…I want to stop getting treatment, stop driving to Seattle constantly, stop having scans, stop taking 20 pills before bed, stop unsuccessful IV pokes, blood draws, stop walking like a dork, stop struggling up stairs, stop shrinking inch by inch, stop wearing a wig, stop feeling useless,stop hearing the Dr say that I am not a textbook case when I want to be a textbook case,stop wondering if every ache or pain is cancer spreading or not.

I also want to stop having a numb spot on my chin which lead to an “orbital” MRI which is scheduled for Monday.I don’t want to hear what the Dr has to say and I especially don’t want to hear it if it’s bad.

Am I cranky?…I suppose a little.

This is a quick sketch I just did from memory with a charcoal pencil, showing the results of my “Orbital MRI”. Just kidding…I used a sharpie not a pencil…just kidding…Google images drew it for me… The BLUE is the brain stem at the top of my spine…the GREEN is the tumor that sits on the brain stem at the top of my spine…and the little RED spots to the right and left of it are the “5th nerve”. Therein lies the problem with my chin.

The 5th nerve branches off into several places and one of them is the chin. It appears that the tumor on the top of my brain stem has been compressing this nerve for nigh on two years and it has finally waved the white flag and given up.

Here again…all my time spent worrying I could have spent…well there isn’t a whole lot I can do, but I could have spent it doing something other than worrying.

I am also glad I know this because I can now say something to my kids like “That is my 5th nerve and you’re on it!!!”

Ok people…how cute is that???

And that?

I am putting together a book for a few family members, so I spent much of this past weekend going through many many many many many pictures and then scanning and scanning and scanning and scanning…it was enough to make a girl eat too much leftover Halloween candy in her delirium.

It also brought back a lot of memories…lots of good ones…some bad…(mostly because I thought I was 50 lbs lighter than I was…or I had made a very bad hair decision).

It also made me think of what I might have done differently…it’s too bad we don’t figure it out until after our back to back counseling appointments with our kids…but I suppose it is never too late to start.

As I was going through all the pictures last weekend, I ran across this one. After I had spent a few minutes trying to remember where I was going…why I thought to put my hair in a bun…why I chose that blouse against my pasty skin…and how old my brother was at the time…I saw my neck…my normal length,regular person neck. Those were the days when I could wear a necklace without it looking like a choker…when there was space between my bottom ribs and my pelvis…(sorry) so I could wear a belt or tuck in something. As a tear dropped on to the keyboard, I realized those days are gone.

Love your forever spine compacting friend.

The day started well enough until I got the call from my Dr that I had missed my appointment to talk about my MRI results. They were, however, able to squeeze me in later so off I went. (I want to give a huge shout out to Carolyn who cancelled her schedule for the rest of the day to be with me and make it possible to hit the carpool lane which is priceless at 4:30pm)

Long story short…they found the reason for my numb chin and it wasn’t the news you want to hear. It appears that the Tamoxifen has stopped working and there is a new cancer spot on my skull.

I have another appointment on Friday with the Radiological Oncologist to take about the next course of action. She will decide how much radiation, how long, and with which apparatus.

Then a series of full body scans, and brain scans…then the possibility of a clinical trial…Dr. says there is “still time” in the big picture to aim for the trial before…well , before we have to deal with some really yucky stuff.

Still absorbing it all… I think I need chocolate.

I need to get my hands on one of these cars. I have had two trips back to back to Seattle this week and next week there will be three…THEN there will be 20 radiation treatments…1 a day, every M-F for 4 weeks.

I met with the Radiological Oncologist today…we looked at more scans of me. Evidently those scans are not enough so next week I am having a bone scan, a MRI brain scan, and a Pet CT scan…this will hopefully give them all the info they need and I will try to make some extra money in front of Safeway by glowing after dark…feel free to toss a few coins in the hat.

Next on the list is fitting back in the radiation mask…for some reason they kept my mask from last time…I was told that mine was the only one they saved…hmmm I don’t know whether I should feel happy about that or not…seems kinda odd that mine was the only one they saved.

If nothing new shows up in the multitude of scans next week, then my face will be the only thing they will be aiming at…if there is other spots then I guess they will shoot those too…at least I will be getting a base tan or should I say face tan…and hopefully the feeling back in my chin.

What I would really like to do right now is get in my new little car that has great gas mileage and drive to heaven where Cancer and anger and scans don’t exist

Have you ever stepped in the shower first thing in the morning, pulled the curtain and then yelled out “HELP ME”? That is exactly what I did this morning.

**(make sure no one else is home before trying this prayer technique…someone might actually think you need help and run to your aid finding you naked and alone and trying to explain why you yelled out “HELP ME”)

Don’t you just love to see what the inside of your body looks like…me neither… I don’t want to look, I don’t want to know, As long as it is all in there and working the way it’s supposed to then that’s good enough for me. But…today I had the scan of scans…the one that shows the good the bad and the ugly. I wasn’t able to eat for exactly 17 hours before the scan..then the first thing you get to put in your stomach is the grey/blue cement flavored, congealy beverage.

I won’t go into any more of the disgusting pre-scan regimen…the word awful covers it I think. The word awful also covers the scan experience today as I had a mouth full of gauze and my radiation mask on for 25 minutes. And the word awful also covers the noises that my stomach is making as it is trying to digest the congealy stuff…oh my…it’s loud…this is not good…it sounds like a boiling pot of some evil witches brew. How many miles of intestines do we have?

More later…

This scene in Mission Impossible is the only one I remember…oh and something on a train…when I woke up this morning this scene popped into my head. It really summarizes how I am feeling right now…I am not sure whether I have just avoided a catastrophe or about to get in one…so I am just holding my breath and waiting. Hopefully I will have test results by Monday…

Bum bum bum bum,bum bum bum bum…dedle eee dedle eee dedle eee bud dum!

A friend of mine, who is going through a battle of her own, asked me this morning… “Why does it have to be so hard? I would have rathered she asked me out to lunch…or to a movie, or even for a solution to global political unrest… I thought for a second and couldn’t come up with one brilliant thing to say. The only thing I can really say to that is that we were never promised a life minus the hard stuff…Some of us get it and some don’t. I wish I were in the “don’t” category more often but it is what it is.

Then this thought struck me (after we hung up of course) Think of what the world would be like with our propensities as humans and no hardship to temper it. Would there be a good one left among us?

Often, when I know I am about to hear some scary news, I plug my ears and sing Mary had a little lamb. Well, I heard something the other day and it scared me. Women are now being advised to wait until they are 50 to have a mammogram. Not only is this scary…it’s ridiculous.

I was first diagnosed with cancer when I was 36…that is a long way from 50. My second cancer diagnosis was at 44.

We lost a very sweet friend to cancer this summer…she too was in her 40’s. I say plug your ears and sing the next time you are told to wait on your mammogram.

A few other things to remember…Jaclyn Smith, Jill Eikenberry, Shirley Temple, Christina Applegate, Sheryl Crow, Kylie Minogue and Robin Roberts all found their cancers through self exam.

Here are some of the women we lost to Breast Cancer long before age 50…Heather Farr (LPGA) 28 years old, Judy Holiday (actress) 43 years old, Puma Jones (singer) 36 years old, Margaret Kilgallen (singer) 33 years old…SUSAN G. KOMEN 36 years old.

So here is my never to be humble opinion…plug your ears, then grab a bosom buddy and get checked every year starting now.

This is my friend Natalie Grant on the right, and I wish that was my friend Wynonna Judd on the left. I have known Natalie since she was about 3 years old…we grew up next door to each other. I didn’t pay much attention to her back then other than telling her to stop singing all the time because she was driving her sister and I nuts as we were trying to give ourselves home perms…my bad on both accounts!

Long story short, we all grew up despite those bad decisions and now she is being showered with awards including the GMA’s Female Vocalist of the year 4 years in a row.

I think that when you are going through a difficult time, it is good to have something to look forward to. As for me…I am looking forward to Saturday night when I am going with some good friends to see Natalie in concert…I promise not to tell her to quit singing this time!

You sing it girl!!!!!

I am back on the road again today to start radiation treatment…back on the road to Thomas Kincaid puzzles, back on the road to fatigue, purple felt pen art on random body parts, lockers that hold all your replacement parts, and “muzak” that only compounds the desire to get out of there as soon as you can…in other words…I am going to get my “glow” on.

Wigs are very often a part of cancer treatment. Some women look beautiful and elegant in just a scarf…I on the other hand do not…I even think that my great grandpa O’Hair is chuckling at the resemblance…not that he wore scarfs, but that I look more like him with no hair than me…TMI sorry.

The first wig I purchased…hmm how do I say this…You know that saying… you are never supposed to go to the grocery store if you are starving because you will end up buying stuff you don’t want just because you are so hungry… well, I think that accurately describes my first wig shopping experience. I was a wig novice, I was in unfamiliar surroundings, I was afraid to lose my hair and the shop owner spoke very little English…it was the perfect storm.

I took “Harriet” home and we had a few arguments at first, then we finally came to an understanding. I would wear her for a while but I could not promise to be “faithful” and I could not promise that I wouldn’t try and change her.

Tomorrow “Harriet” and I have and appointment with Stephen at the salon. She doesn’t know she is going yet, and there may be a few tears shed, but it’s for her own good. She will feel completely transformed when Stephen gets through with her…and I am looking forward to taking her to coffee when she’s done.

Today I became very fragile. Today I was told that I WAS very fragile. The Tamoxifen that we thought had been helping has stopped helping and the cancer is in just about every bone making them fragile and easy to break.

Now I ask you, what is a girl to do about this? Well, the first thing she does is grab her mom’s hand and squeeze it hard…then she gets teary…then she decides that she is not a baby and can handle the next step…which is chemotherapy.

This I am sure will be a story in itself for tomorrow’s blog but I will give you a teeny tiny hint…my insurance will only provide me with one day’s dose each month…costing me $200-and some ridiculous amount of dollars…ONE DAY?…WHAT GOOD IS THAT? But just like “mad skills” Barb we will have success on the second poke and it will be a good one.(Barb is one of my fabulous IV nurses…AND she has mad skills…amazing skills…hence the name.)

I don’t want to fight this cancer battle, I don’t want to live like this, I don’t like the thought that I could stand up and shatter a femur…I want turkey and happiness and horses with winter coats…I want strong bones and fewer trips to the Dr. But at the same time I want to know the things that are important…I want to scoot over just a little when I go to bed to make room on my pillow so I don’t miss anything..even if He whispers, I want to hear it. This is what keeps me fighting…this and my previously red hair..oh and I am finally down a few pant sizes…very motivating.

I love Thanksgiving. I love that most everything on the table is carbohydrate and sugar based but we can call most of them vegetables. I love how the house smells the day before and I love the left overs for days after.

It might seem on the surface that my finding things to be thankful for today would be a bit difficult…oh contraire… I could come up with a hefty list…so hefty I am sure you would get bored before you finished reading it.

What I am not thankful for is everybody left their jobs just when I needed them…There I was looking for the Doctor…he’s gone! Then I needed to talk to the insurance problem fixer…boom, she’s gone! Today was the day I was supposed to find out whether or not the insurance was going to pay for my chemotherapy medicine. Guess where the insurance people were…gone!

I think I may have actually come up with a solution.

Ok, everyone who is related to someone who has had cancer raise your hand…ok, how about those who have friends with cancer? I think that just about covers everyone. So my thought was just to inject the food WITH the chemo medicine and we would all get better.

Once upon a time there was a girl with cancer. She was facing a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. She spent the whole day at the Dr’s office having treatment after treatment. When she left the sky was dark and so was her mood.

Walking in the door she felt the need to check her e-mail right away. She was surprised to see that her sister, who lives in Poland, had sent her a picture. She opened the email and there, larger than life, was a huge dragonfly.

“Wow” she thought. “This is amazing timing.” I really needed that encouragement right now.

It wasn’t until the next day that she learned her sister had attempted to send that picture several times that day, before finally deciding to wait and send it in the morning.

At 11:00 pm(Polish Standard Time) unable to sleep, she got up, turned on the computer, and sent the picture with no problem. Moments later it was opened on the other side of the planet where her sister was hurting…perfect timing.

Had that picture arrived the day before, or even the day after…it would not have had the same impact.

God knows…and that’s huge.

Hopefully today I will find out if my insurance company will pay for the new medication. I do have a back-up plan but…not so sure it’s a solid one. Nothing but waiting in cancer…waiting waiting waiting

Today was my 5th day of radiation. 7 times the machine shifted and rotated and radiated for my jaw. Then I was spun around on the table so they could radiate my knee…which now has a bright green box around it.

The familiar fatigue is setting in. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed, or brush my teeth, or pack for the week, or pay attention when I drove, or microwave my coffee…here we go again!