I received this painting in the mail yesterday. It is from my niece in Illinois who is 10… her name is Maddy. Little did she know that she is playing a very integral part in my recovery. With just that painting and her sweet note, I counted 1,545,377 cancer cells died. Thank you Maddy! What a special gift.

This is what a CT scan of your lungs look like. I don’t know what those white specs and lines are…thank goodness I am not this persons Dr because I would just refer to them by saying..”Well Mrs. Smith we found a whole bunch of white specs and lines on your lung CT…seems to me that those couldn’t really hurt you so have a nice day.”

I had my lungs scanned yesterday and it appears that everything is the same as last month. The Dr seems fine with that…there was some little spec on my liver he said was the size of the head of a pin but he’s not concerned with that.

On the upside he said my kidneys were “pristine”.

I had some blood test… cpv…a few more letters followed by some numbers…that will test to see if I am metabolizing the medicine effectively…

I will most likely call tomorrow to see if those results are in but until then I think I will just breathe…

We are going through change here at the Hinkley home and I blame me. I don’t blame me in a bad way…but I still think that most of the cause of this change falls on my shoulders.

It’s not a heavy burden to bear it is just a very interesting, very exhausting one.

I am sure there is some scientific theorem to back this up but I had Mr. Horch for science and I don’t think he really cared so much for science as he did for teaching anything besides science…therefore A+B=C…wait…that’s math

Anyway, here is the non scientific version; I got cancer…this in turn brought about changes for me…which in turn put everyone else in a position of change…hence all the changes and the picture of change at the start of this blog.

My changes sort of started the whole thing rolling…Chad was left with no real choice in the matter…his change, since he was the ever present parent in the beginning, brought on changes for the kids and everything looked different in Hinkleydom.

The point being that things will never be the same and I need to be more understanding that these Hinkley’s are not the same ones I have spent the last 20 years getting to know…“resistance is fu-tile”

My husband runs a hardware store and lumber yard on Lopez Island and has for the past 10+ years…he loves his job…he is very good at what he does and he is a good man, loved by many on that crazy little island.

Five years ago, his then boss offered him an old car that needed work in lieu of a bonus…his heart jumped in his chest, his eyes popped, his palms began to sweat and a resounding “YES” came from somewhere deep within middle earth and out his mouth.

Since then, father and son have spent the last five years…give or take…painstakingly restoring this car to the last detail…the way it was on the showroom floor…no aftermarket trinkets…no fuzzy dice…no outrageous flames painted on the side…she has a simple beauty about her and that’s all she needs…that and copious amounts of fuel.

Well…she had her coming out party a few weeks ago on the island from whence she came…there was much “ooooooooo-ing” and “aaaaaahhhhhhhh-ing” from his former boss.

After a few tears and some pictures for posterity he said, “Grandma would be so proud.”

As it turns out…this was her car…when she was done driving she sent it to be stored in her grandson’s garage and for many years it sat…oh I am sure they let her out every now and again…the car not the Grandma…but her age was beginning to show…again, the car not the Grandma…

Where did Grandma live? Well funny you should ask…the answer is, and I quote, “Grandma lived in Pasadena”…

So there she is…the one owner car, owned by the little old lady from Pasadena…

Beauty lies in the true story doesn’t it…

SCHOOL GLORIOUS SCHOOL ! Enough said.

During this “cancer” phase of my life I have tried hard not to complain…that is a very slippery slope leading to nothing but anger, frustration, abandonment, avoidance, fed-up-edness and call screening by all my friends and family.

So on this rare occasion I have to say, “OUCH..MY KNEE HURTS”

If any of you would like to start a vigil, or 3-day walk, or even just a quick prayer on your way to work (eyes open of course) I would be so humbly grateful and vow (*all vows are subject to change without notice) not to complain any more.

Thank you

There is no doubt that cancer is a painful, frightful thing…but honestly, I can’t imagine the pain and fear those in NY felt on that day.

For the past few weeks I have had a bit of knee pain…a few pains in my elbow and a little in my hip…all of this a result of trying to do what normal people do on a short family vacation 1. Walk around

2. Drive around
3. Go out to eat

So in an effort to feel better I have tried to lay low-ish…ice my knee…put my feet up, and things are looking better…in fact they are looking good enough that after all this laying around I would kind of like to do “something” today.

“Well then, what’s your problem?” you ask…“go do something.”

Ahhh, if only it were that simple. If I go somewhere adventurous like the grocery store, or somewhere quiet like the library…I run the risk of the dreaded “flare up”. These “flares” also eliminate the stay at home options like laundry, vacuuming, and other cleaning tasks involving toilets.

But there is a glimmer of hope…as of yet I have had no pain in my jaw…making the phone a very tempting option.

I have spent the last few days pondering a new question…maybe it is more of a thought…no, it’s a question. My mind has phrased it in several ways such as… What am I supposed to do now? Am I parent or patient? Do my kids even need me around much? What am I accomplishing? Where do I fit?

A lot of things have changed around here and I now I don’t know where to park myself anymore.

Today was a very good day. I am tired after being on the road for several hours but I am glad for the trip and what it did for me. Thanks for caring…gotta go make dinner…ha ha…just teasing..

Today I had coffee (a very healing legume as it turns out)with a friend I first met when I was 10 years old. We lived next door to each other and I refuse to describe the performances we spent hours choreographing and singing so that we could gather all two of our mothers to sit and watch our fabulous 10 minute show…as far as we knew, we were destined for a life in the performing arts for sure. Our adventures go beyond our dancing and singing skills but that’s going down a rabbit trail that would probably incriminate one or the other of us (just kidding mom and dad).

When we met today, it was as if no time had passed… I love those friendships. No one takes those years of silence and complete absence from each other’s lives personally…it’s awesome.

As we sipped our coffee we talked about all kinds of things, then she told me about how she ended up working for her current employer. It might sound boring to someone else but for me it was almost like I was having a conversation with someone else…but this conversation didn’t involve any talking.

If you have read my previous blog, I have had a difficult time trying to figure out my place and purpose now that the family dynamic has changed…I have been forcing myself to come up with options…making myself take time to think about it, rolling it around and around…to no avail…I did learn something through this experience though…I learned this was a colossal waste of time…

You see…all my girlfriend did was live her life and make herself available for this type of thing to happen. The job was delivered to her.

Now I may or may not be looking for work (if you are looking for someone on a very part-time basis…call me)…it may be something entirely different, but once again I am reminded that this life is not in my control…which if you think about it, is so great because God has so many more connections than I do and we all know that it’s really all about WHO you know!

So goodie-gumdrops, Laurie gets to sit and wait some more…but I feel better about it now.

I never was a hand raiser in class. I was always afraid I was going to misunderstand the question and then look like a dork…thus having no hope for a date for Homecoming or anything else for that matter.

But now that I am older and can boss others around I am going to ask you all to be hand raisers and tell me what you think.

I was thinking about what is real and what is true…I am not going to give any hints so here is your chance to share straight from your gut… This is officially a DORK FREE ZONE so no holding back now.

Question #1 Physical pain. Is it real…true…both

Question #2 Emotional pain…real…true…both

Question #3 Will my hair ever grow back on the top…yes…no…maybe

Looking forward to your response : )

Tomorrow I have another chest CT scan scheduled for 10 am. The doctor is again going to measure the fluid in my lung cavity to make sure the medicine is still working. This is the fastest way to determine the drug’s effectiveness evidently.

Then it is off to do lab work, then to talk to the Dr about the scan and the lab work, then into the Chemo room for a 90 minute IV that typically requires at least 3 attempts to stick that needle in my vein… but the record currently stands at 10…OUCH

This is a picture of my little town, the day after my Dr’s appointment, the day I am celebrating my birthday with my family and the the day that approximatley 10,452,873,591 motorcycles arrive here for the annual Oyster Run. It is a sight to behold. I have always wanted to ride on a motorcycle. I did it once years and years and years ago…but I don’t think I really appreciated it…I was too busy thinking of ground up flesh and head cracking.

I don’t believe I would think that any more. I would think of flying and the wind in my hair…uhhh my face…and freedom from the unpleasantness of being another year closer to…eh uh cough cough 50…it would be a teeny tiny escape from cancer. I think a motorcycle ride would be healing…I think it might kill cancer cells…I am now officially volunteering for medical testing based on this theory. Zoom Zoom…

To understand this blog entry you will have to go back and read my entry about the dragonfly.

It’s about 1:30 pm and I am in the check out line at Michael’s craft store. There is a older woman in front of me…she stood there with her back to me for a minute… suddenly she turned around…”Do you need this dragonfly?” she asks… “Yes I do” I reply as she hands me a dragonfly paper punch and turns back around.

I turned to tell my friend Traci who had just joined me in the line and when I turned back around she was gone. Maybe she went to the car, maybe she went to the bathroom…maybe…

I am speechless.

Believe it or not I am in Chicago. It was a gutsy move I must admit considering my anemic state…but it’s not like I walked here. I have done much sitting and visiting with fabulous Aunt’s, Uncle, and cousins and it has been great. Oh I could fall asleep at any time but they are doing their best to keep me awake.

I will resume blog entries when I am home Monday.

Yesterday my mom and I flew home from Chicago. We had a great time. Mom went to her 50th High School reunion and I sat at every one’s house and ate their food. It was great.

The flight home is normally a little over 4 hours due to headwinds, but yesterdays flight seemed much shorter as I was attempting to save every life on that plane which kept me very busy.

It began when our fully loaded plane was speeding down the runway to rise effortlessly into the wild blue yonder with fluffy clouds and nothing but happiness. Then my mom tapped my arm and directed me to look at the very well dressed man across the isle from me…HE WAS READING A FLIGHT MANUAL…a very well worn flight manual that described all the gauges and how to turn the plane around…

After studying the manual for several minutes he pulled out another manual, this one written in another language and highlighted with pink highlighter.

After a small panic attack, which my mom found quite humorous, I began to plan how we were going to take him down should he try to hijack the plane. Several times during my planning session he got up to use the Loo which I decided was too many times because he was too young to have “those” issues… and I decided that he was using that time to mix water with his eye drops and some aspirin to make the explosive device.

While mom was changing the disc in the DVD player I was scouting the plane for strong husky men…then I began to wonder what building we would be crashing into as I noticed he never looked at the landing portion of the manual.

Meanwhile everyone else on the plane was quiet and relaxed…they were either sleeping or reading while enjoying their complementary beverage. I wish I had been sleeping because clearly this was a total waste of what energy I had left.

After 5 episodes of Bleak house on the DVD player I only managed to remember 3 names and am afraid I will have to watch some of it again as I spent vital minutes deciding what to have written on my headstone.

This is me before my blood transfusion…

This is me after!!!

Earlier this week I went to the hospital, where they seated me in a recliner, inserted an IV, and gave me two units of blood…beautiful…glorious…wonderful red blood cells. Thank you healthy blood donor, you have changed my days..there is nothing as healing as the blood!

October is here, bringing many new issues to life. Things like commercials with Christmas music in the background (really?) wishing that you could make a perfect apple pie with a flaky crust and not too runny…where are we having Thanksgiving…and wind.

I used to love the wind when I was a child…then I married and moved to a house in the middle of the woods on an island and I HATED the wind…currently the wind and I have an understanding…don’t blow over 40mph and I won’t freak out.

I don’t think the wind likes our “deal” and it was trying to tell me so the other day in the Safeway parking lot. Somehow, the wind got it in it’s head that it was going to blow my brand new wig off in front of everyone I know…but what the wind doesn’t know is that I am too smart to fall for that and I used…my hand!

Oh the wind was angry at that and the sides of my wig blew up and the back blew up and the bangs were everywhere but I fought the battle and won. I might have given it away tho’ as I walked in the store and spent the next 5 minutes readjusting my hair.

I swear next time I am tying a string under my chin then wearing a big hat and sunglasses so no one knows it’s me. Oh humility…you are good for me.

Before my cancer diagnosis, my days were busy busy busy. There was, of course, normal house stuff like vacuuming, dusting, washing, drying, mopping, scrubbing, loading, unloading,stripping, re-making, buying, baking, feeding…etc. Then there was horsing, scooping, watering, grooming,feeding again, lunging etc. Then there was research, reading, asking, counseling…on raising a daughter with Asperger’s Syndrome. Then there was the actual RAISING of the daughter with Asperger’s. There were trips to the school…too many to count…countless hours emailing teachers, many meetings and many controversies. Then there were friends and coffee and BS (Bible study) and a husband and a son, oil changes for the car, new underwear and socks without holes…and the list goes on.

My days look much different now. They are much less complicated…in fact they are downright slow most of the time…OK boring (you had to make me say it didn’t you. Not boring in the Cancer sense…(cancer is NEVER boring..especially in your head) but boring in the physical sense.

I have decided that since there is really nothing I can do about it, I will like my new life. One of the nice things about this new life is that I am almost ALWAYS available should I get a phone call inviting me for coffee or lunch…(hint hint)

Well the dog needs me now so I better go : )