I have been sitting here trying to think of how to start this email…but this is all I can come up with… MY BROTHER SHAVED HIS HEAD!

My brother shaved his head and I cried… he never said a word, didn’t ask me, never once mentioned that the thot’ had entered his mind… he just did it. Now don’t you dare get caught up in “well, he’s a guy and it’s easier”, because…well because he IS a guy and it IS easier… but that is soooooooo beside the point, not even near the point, so far away from the point for me that I couldn’t see that point if I used the best telescope invented…HE SHAVED HIS HEAD! For the next hour we tried on all the wigs and took pictures and exchanged hats and hair etc …it was hilarious. I will send a pic when I get them. He shaved his head and he made me laugh and he made me cry and he loves me. Man I love that kid!

PS …special props to mom and dad for jumping in on the pictures!!!! Let’s just say mom should never be a redhead and dad should NEVER curl his hair!!!!!

Tonight for the first time in a while I cried…really cried…sloppy, runny nose, snarfy overflowing tearduct crying kind of cried. There are so many reasons why this happened…some very good and some rotten, some revealing and some secret and some I am sure, directly related to chemical menopause.

It felt so good. I mean really good. The tears really wanted out and now that I am back at my folks there was no reason not to let them. With my dad playing the piano soft and low upstairs it was almost like a scene out of a movie…kinda cool. Well, that’s all…I cried…big news…I wonder where our tears are stored?

This is not a picture of me but necessary for my blog today. I have been pondering this one for a while and I think I am finally ready to spew it out.

I can’t say specifically what part of this experience has had the most impact on me, but I can say that the radiation treatment has been the most metaphoric. It is when I am on that table that I feel “spoken to” the most. The most recent was last week.

Each radiation mask is individually molded to fit YOUR face. It starts as a blank and they heat it up and stretch it over your face making sure it has contact with every part of your skin…eyes, nose, lips, chin…unless you have an evil twin…no other mask will fit you. Then they place the markings on the mask where the radiation needs to be directed and how much.

So it all started when I laid down on the radiation table last week and they started to put on my mask. For some odd reason (oops maybe I lied too much and my nose grew..I just thot of that…dang) anyway, for some reason it wasn’t fitting right. I squiggled around on the table trying to wedge my nose in the nose spot and my chin in the chin spot but it just wasn’t happening.

So with the milli-nano space where my lips were, I slurred out “I think this is someone else’s mask” I mean Laurie is a pretty common name and there is bound to be another Laurie with tumors in her skull right? So they quickly unlocked the mask from the table and double checked. It was then that the speaking started.

From the time I was a young girl I felt I would never measure up…I would never be cute enough, smart enough, fun enough, make good decisions…you name it…so in an effort to compensate for that I would try to act differently around different ppl…I thot that as long as I didn’t act like “me” then I would be ok. Mask after mask after mask I wore in an effort to be accepted…liked…even loved by friends, family…even people I had never met.

Laying on that table that day I realized that no one else’s mask is going to fit me but mine. If I try to put another mask on it is only going to cause me discomfort…it will never fit me…for me to heal I have to be me. All other masks are thrown out and with my Laurie mask on the healing continues.

These past few weeks have been very dark ones for me. I have felt guilty about that…the star of Bethleham…the hope of the nations…jolly St Nick…despite that it has been dark…will it be my last Christmas? Is the new medicine working? Two big issues have come up lately…

First…am I a hypocrite? I think maybe I have been…(well so are you!!!) Ok, maybe you aren’t but I feel better thinking you are because I didn’t think I was until now. I have always said I TRUST in God but I really really really really realized that I kinda didn’t truly TRUST Him. That has to change. If I really trusted I wouldn’t be so scared of this cancer.

Second: the first takes conscious effort and that is hard…for me…I don’t like deciding what to have for dinner…I don’t like finding time to take the car for an oil change…I want it just to happen…

I believe it is extra hard when you are struggling to believe what you are trying to get yourself to believe…“if you let go you will be ok” Ok so I am hanging on to a rope that is strung across a huge deep canyon…someone who resembles a polka dot down below says..“let go, you will be ok”…this is what it feels like to me.

So I rung in the new year with 45 minutes of crying…followed by morning after puffy eyes…which made me cry some more because I feel like I live in a petrie dish as it is…and I had to put my hair on, and I burned myself and my left arm doesn’t lift up past my shoulder and …thru all of this I will trust? I mean I WILL trust!!! I will I will I will…I hope.

So I went back and read what I wrote…I guess I had an itchy trigger finger…you see, in an effort to keep my thoughts to one hundred words or less I think I missed the point of the point.

I realized that I hadn’t come to the point yet where I could “let go” of the cancer knowing that my worrying about it could not add a day to my life…and the letting go is something I thought I WAS doing until I realized that I wasn’t doing it…hence the hypocrite thing…it is also something I easily tell others to do as I now realize that I was never really doing it myself…again…hypocrite…

But it’s not about that…(well kinda, and I am sorry about that…hypocracy is bad.)…it’s about letting go of the rope when all my other instincts tell me to hang on as tight as I can and that “letting go” will not be the end of me even tho every synapsis in my brain says it will. That was the point of the point. Thank you for still being willing to listen

Quite a few people have asked in the past few days “where I am at” right now. They want to know how I am feeling physically and emotionally etc…I thot’ about it for a bit and I can’t say fine cuz that isn’t true… and just to prove it…here are the top 10 definitions of “fine”

1.of superior or best quality; of high or highest grade: 2.choice, excellent, or admirable:
3.consisting of minute particles: (ok this is debateable) 4.very thin or slender:
5.keen or sharp, as a tool:
6.delicate in texture; filmy: filmy…yuck 7.delicately fashioned:
8.highly skilled or accomplished: 9.trained to the maximum degree, 10.characterized by or affecting refinement or elegance:

So then I thot’ “If you are going to ask Laurie a question, you are going to get a Laurie answer.”

YOU: “Hey Laurie, we haven’t talked in a while, how are you doing? I mean how are you feeling and what is your pain like?”

ME:“Thank you for asking…that is very thoughtful. Right now I have some pain in my neck and shoulders. I think it is caused mostly from the motion I make when I throw hay over the rail to feed the horse. Aleve helps sometimes but not everytime.

I feel a little confused about what to do next if the scans don’t turn out well. I am still in a punching match with myself over this issue (cancer) being totally out of my control. I mean why have a “plan B” if “plan B” offers you no more control than “plan A” did? BUT…having a “plan B” makes me feel like I have something to do…but if it doesn’t matter then it’s all been a waste…but if it makes me feel productive then has it really been a waste?…feeling productive has it’s benefits doesn’t it? But if I can’t control it with either plan A or B then …well, you see my dilema.

I feel somewhat hopeful that the scans are not going to be wholly bad…but that is soley based on no more giant lumps appearing and pain not getting worse in general. I love the changes that have taken place in my family because of the cancer…that’s a long-ish list so I will leave that one as “by request” …if you want any more details you will have to request them via e-mail or Facebook.

It’s been interesting to ponder and wrestle with the trust issue…I hate it but I love it…well I don’t LOVE it like Valentines Day love it…I just see some benefits…maybe I don’t love it…I will have to keep thinking about it…

And as always I am totally humbled by how many people are praying and then some…I will never be able to wrap my irradiated mind around that…that IS a miracle.

So that is “how I am” I guess…for now…I have a regular apt the end of Feb…IV, Faslodex injection, “no estrogen” tummy injection and lab work…let’s hope there is someone else besides Sahid (a guy around 25) to pull the skin on my hip (which is more like “not my hip but lower”…emphasis on but) for that Faslodex injection…that’s another story you will have to request if you want more info.

Scans in March…not sure of date…Thank you again for everything…all of it…prayers and more…

So I am in the big chair in the living room in the sun…the house is empty for the first time in 4 days and the only thing running is the refrigerator and the toilet in the powder room (just a sec, it’s driving me nuts)…OK…the thot just came to me that it would be lovely if every problem could be fixed by jiggling something…ohhhh I could run with that but I must stay focused.

So the time for another scan is fast approaching. I think this time there will only be the one…the PET CT…the scan of scans…the fasting, IV’ing, injecting, sitting still for an hour, drinking the room temp.grayish purple glop, then going into the circle thing for 45 minutes while iodine mixes with your blood and makes you feel like you have wet yourself, scan. It does give you the full story however…head to toe if there is cancer in there it glows. It catches even the earliest stuff…so for that I am grateful.

This scan will let us know if the new medicine has worked. What a joyus or horrible day that will be…so therein lies…well, lots of things.

I know I want to feel peace over this…I mean it would seem dumb not to want peace about it. But it’s like I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon and peace is about 28.5 inches away from the edge (the exact length of my arm plus 1/4 in.) and I just have to lean that little smidge and a voice echos thru the canyon that everything will be ok and I can go ahead and grab it but I still can’t decide if it’s worth the risk…then next thing you know the bush next to me catches on fire and it begins to speak and says “Laurie, everything will be ok…take the peace” and I STILL don’t know if I can…and I look down and see that the river below has parted and there are some campers that are walking across the dry river bed and the voice says…” How about now?” and I still am not sure…

So because I am soooo scared of heights, I am going to close my eyes, lean a bit, hope I measured my arm correctly and reach for the peace. Yikes!

It’s 2:54 am and I woke up with a song in my head. No, Chad woke me up while the song was in my head…I always feel you should give credit to the right ppl. Anyway, do you remember the song from Sesame Street:

“So would you like to swing on a star, carry moonbeams home in a jar, and be better off than you are, or would you rather be a _?”

Then they would usually pick an animal and describe it…

So I began to wonder what I would rather be. So I thot for a bit and decided that right now, I would rather be a fish. Here’s why: Fish are for the most part stupid (that seems like it would be a relief sometimes) every move they make is graceful they are not afraid of the dark it’s very quiet underwater they can hide out under a rock they can ride on other fishes backs and if they can avoid being eaten, which I suppose is a risk for all animals…just watch channel 36. or Man vs Wild…they live a pretty peaceful life. Their neck and shoulders don’t hurt like mine do now, and they don’t have to have a scan on Monday.

Just my thoughts. I am going to check if the grizzly stopped snoring.

When I was a little girl, I lived in Michigan for a while. The thunderstorms there feel like they are happening approximatley 6.24 feet above your roof. I have never liked thunderstorms…they still scare me. They send me to my room and I pull the covers over my head and sing “Mary had a little lamb” to myself to help drown it all out. One night in particular, my grandma came to visit us. She was sleeping on a pull out couch in the basement ( I am sure it was nothing personal). I was about 3 and grandma would take her teeth out at night which was cool but creepy at the same time. On that night we had a huge thunderstorm. I was afraid to wake my parents because I thought for sure they would send me back to my room. So I ran to find comfort in my grandma’s bed in the basement.

AHHHHHHHHHHHH. There she was…warm…and she always smelled so good…she smelled like expensive lotions and listerine. She threw the covers back so I could get in with her and we curled up together and I slept. I don’t know if grandma slept or spent all night praying…she was amazing that way. She was the picture of God for me that night.

Right now waiting for the results of this scan is my thunderstorm…it feels big and loud and right above my head…I want to run for comfort… So I go to that night…I think that night happened on purpose…I think it happened so that when I was 45 I could remember and instead of grandma being there…He’s there…and I am warm and safe and the thunderstorm is not so scary anymore.

So the Dr. says that the news is not good. The cancer has continued to spread in my bones. There is quite a bit in my right hip and femur…enough that he is concerned about the hip shattering. The left shoulder is also full of cancer and the cancer has cracked my shoulderblade. There is also some on the cartiledge along my voice box and here and there in random little spots. My right lung which had a little tiny bit of fluid in it for a year or more, now has quite a bit of fluid…

Soooooo what to do now… first off the second medicine did not work…so we move to medicine #3 and hope

Radiation on my right hip and left shoulder start Thursday and I will only need 5 treatments as they are ramping up the dose.

I had more than a litre (half a big plastic bottle of diet coke) of fluid drained off my lung today and there is still more in there…but the Doc had them stop at a litre and then some for pathology.

And not to whine but they had to stick me 10x’s just to get the IV in…ugh!

The results will be back in the next few days…

Other than frazzled hope and tears, that is all I have for now.

If you have a question ask…and thank you so much for your prayers

The third time is a charm so “they” say. I think this saying started in the early 1800’s and it referred to the death penalty…if they tried to hang you three times and it didn’t work, then you were set free. What does that have to do with me you ask? Absolutley nothing…now you can all say that you have learned something by reading this! So these past few days have been quite hard for me. Hope, after first hearing of the cancer, is easier to muster I have learned. After the initial “blow” you get your gear on and prepare to fight this thing…the hope is right there, that you will win this battle and all will be well again…Taa-Daa! Then you find cancer won round 1…so you go back to your corner, wipe your brow, spit, and wait for the bell to ring for round two. It’s a little tough at first but you feel the surge again…“this is it, we got it now!” and you come out swinging again. This time you get a solid blow to the gut and cancer wins round two. You stumble back to your corner and there is a little blood , lots of sweat, and you’re tired. The previous blows have taken their toll and round 3 seems so much more overwhelming…there is a spec of hope somewhere inside, but I believe it is more the will to live than hope itself.

You blow on it, add more tinder, blow some more and hope it will return to the flame it once was all those months ago…but it just doesn’t catch…it smolders thick and dark. So you look around you, try hard to find reason to believe there is still hope out there, that it is more than just you trying to think positive…and then you read the story of the bones…

Out on the plains..in the scorching sun are bones…a lot of bones. They are seperated and strewn everywhere, bleached by the sun. God says, “watch this I will bring you life” The bones began to rustle and come together…then muscles and skin and finally breath. There stood an army.

I don’t think you can have less hope then after you have died, the vultures have picked you clean, your bones have seperated and you are strewn all over the desert…I think hope pretty much stops there…but NO it doesn’t… That is what I have learned by reading this.

It’s 2:30 in the morning. Joe is in bed asleep. He asked if I would sleep in the twin bed across from him. Of course I said yes. It’s been a long time since I have sat and listened to one of my “babies” sleep. I remember at first it was an anxious thing…“will they take another breath?” Then it was the sound of peace and rest. So tonight I sleep with anxiety draped over me like a blanket. The fluid on my lung did contain cancer cells. The cancer is now officially outside of my bones. Translation: not good… The Dr has put me on Tamoxafin and he is checking for it’s effectiveness in 3 weeks…that’s not a lot of time. Thank you all for your prayers.

(Photo courtesy of Suzanne Fogarty www.suzannefogarty.com )

This little guy is Forest…Forest Jump…no I did not spell that wrong. His name is really Forest Jump…I know because I named him. I named him because right behind him is his mother…who belongs to me.

For several months last year, when I was undergoing radiation, my dear friend Ruth very kindly agreed to take Holly. Holly and Ruth both were surprised one day by a visit from the neighbor’s stallion.. (while the neighbor was away.) His visit required him to jump a few fences…hence the name.

It took 11 long months of waiting but he finally arrived…he arrived to the sound of crickets and frogs and warm night air and the soft nickers of his new friends in the barn that have been waiting too.

He is a friendly, social, curious, stunning colt who LOVES to have his hiney scratched and if you are standing just right, he will gladly return the favor.

I love little Forest…I really love him…it was a long wait but I was able to “see” Forest thru the trees…the trees of more radiation, two failed medicines, countless scans, and many many failed IV’s…

Thru the months I thought of Forest… and hoped for Forest. There was hope with Forest…hope for his health, for Holly’s health and for my health so I could be there to see him come in to this world.

Forest Jump…you’re awesome.

First let me start by apologizing to Forest and Holly for blaming them for my fatigue…well, them and Chad as he has been on a real snoring jag the last few nights…

I just arrived home from the Dr. and my red blood cell count is low aka anemia. I was looking online for foods I could eat to help my body make more red blood cells so it looks like as soon as I am done typing this I am off to the kitchen for a banana. Tomorrow I will work on other foods but tonight I am tired…ironic huh?

Spots….a very adorable name for your child’s first dog or a very traumatic thing for cancer-in-your-bones people.

Do you have any spots that hurt? Where are those spots? Are they new spots….old spots…have we radiated those spots before? Does the pain in those spots come and go or does it persist? Would you say those are normal 45 year old woman spots ? Are they muscle spots or bone spots? Were those spots in our last scan of your spots or not?

Yesterday I wrapped gifts for Father’s day and my mother’s birthday. The only non-Christmas wrapping paper I had was covered with spots! Good grief…such a silly thing but some how it changed my focus.

The thought came to me that if you fill in the “o” in hope that would be a spot too.

Oh I’m not saying that I will be good at it… and I’m not saying it’s not a bit corny…I’m just saying it’s a choice and it’s the one I made today.

On top of all the other issues to deal with every day, this muscle spasm in my neck is just…arrrrggghh…it’s just…rrrrrrrr…(insert descriptive word here)… annoying. It is uncomfortable and makes it hard to stand, sit, sleep, drive, walk, talk, back out of the Safeway parking lot, keep my arms at my side, type, gripe, and drink coffee…to name just a few.

But…when I woke up this morning all I could hear were birds. It was amazing. For a few minutes I forgot about my neck and just listened to the birds and the breeze and the wind chimes.

Ok, now I can go back to whining about my neck…

As I was looking back at what I have written over the last few days I realized that I didn’t really finish telling you about my appointment last week.

Well, let’s see…I told you about the anemia already…it was raining, my blood pressure was a little high (oh really?!) I drank hot apple cider while I had my IV drip…I also learned 5 new ways to beat stress and a new chicken recipe.

I have always felt bad about having to ask Dr. Lee not to let Digger Debbie, one of the IV nurses, touch me again…but again that was confirmed as she couldn’t find a vein on the woman who sat down next to me…who had juicy blue veins, the width of a drinking straw. She’s very nice, but…well enough said…

Let’s see…what else…I think we decided that the Tamoxifen was working. I mean you can’t really know until you have a scan, but things seemed very status quo and that is better than not “quo” or less than “quo”.

Oh and Jean was there, from Radiation, and she asked about Forest and she even went to the computer to look up his pictures, and she smiled a lot and laughed with me and told me how she looks for my apt days and always tries to see me when I am there…and I think all her joy made a few of my cancer cells die.

So all in all it was a good day…I can’t believe I just said that, but if you break it down it really was a good day. I think the smiles did more for me than the Tamoxifen that day, but I will continue to take them both!!

Today is my 20th wedding anniversary.

Happy anniversary Chad! I think you got more than you bargained for…Thank you for your strength. I love you.

Ok, sorry…I have to say “something” about Michael Jackson today. Sorry sorry sorry…It’s just so weird to have him gone. I suppose for you older folks it would be like when B-B-B-Bing Crosby died. No? Ok, it was just a guess.

Anyway, as far back as my music memory goes, Michael was there…that’s all I am saying…it’s just weird…

Ok I’m going now…have to download some music…nothing by Michael Jackson mind you.. just a few other songs…

Anemia (pronounced /əˈniːmiə/) What? How do you pronounce the upside down e’? It would be more helpful if written (uh-nee-me-uh)…. From the Greek “anaimos” meaning bloodless…or the new Latin meaning without blood. (I always like to include a little lesson for those home schooling moms )

It is a new experience to have to consider your blood on a daily basis. It is a very telling thing…there are lots of secrets revealed in the blood….past, present and future. Blood is life and energy…. It sustains us…healthy blood feels very very good inside. Tired blood…not so good. I am right on the cusp of needing some healthy blood…..I tried the ol’ eat a banana trick but I don’t feel any perkier. I think it’s time for the big guns…molasses, raisins , molasses raisin cookies, gingerbread….oh my….this could be bad. Anyway I am tired….very tired….and I am tired of being tired. I really hate cancer. Tonight I am going to drift off to sleep thinking and pondering about how important “the blood” is to life, physically, emotionally and spiritually…hopefully for longer than a few seconds…either way I think it will be a good use of those few seconds.